Our Vision Is Coming to Pass February 07-April 08

The last couple of weeks have been quite wearisome! We have been in desperate need of financial security. But my pacience was being hard pressed. Leif was handling things better than me. The cop jobs sounded nice when it came to benefits and money coming in. But the accadamy itself was a nightmare to think about. We have been working very hard at establishing our goals and our visions and working towards them, using positive thinking to keep us going. But it just boiled down to the fact every night that something needed to happen soon financially to really make anything work in the future.

Well, it happened today!! Milo called Leif this morning!:) Leif went in and took him his resume. They talked for a good hour. Milo told Leif all the he wanted Leif to do, starting now. We're Soo Excited. Technically, the pay is on commission. But Leif is going to talk to Milo about giving him an advancement so that he can quite his optometrist assistant job and work full time for Milo. I'm sure it will all work out!

I have four Pampered Chef shows lined up already. I don't even have my kit yet.:) So things are looking good there!

Awakening Your Health is coming along. The news today has given me the energy booste that I need to finish it!

Our vision is awakening!:)

After this post was written I kept a family journal on omy computer
from June 10, 2007 until April 6, 2008.

The following is a copy of those journal posts:

June 10, 2007

Leif began yet another job this month. I say that sarcastically. I shouldn’t even say it like that because every job that he has worked has been right for the time. He is now working very much full time with Winder Farms based out of West Valley Utah. He works in SG as a sales rep. He enjoys the job because it pays well and he believes in the service and product that he is offering the people. His hours are long and late. He leaves around Noon and arrives home around 10:00PM. He earns a base of $1000.00 when he meets his minimum sales as well as a fine commission on every sale. He has proved to be a great representative for their company. They are very pleased with him and we are proud of his very hard work. Being without Leif much of the week is not at all easy. We have gone from being together all but a small part of the day to only seeing each other for a few short hours. I try to stay cheerful by keeping the house clean and Jakob played with and cared for. I work on deep cleaning projects; and I read. I am so grateful for books. I want to take up a hobby like braiding rugs. But we don’t have a penny for any direction books or materials. So, that hobby will have to wait.

We had the doctor take the birth control IUD out on the first of this month. That was an emotional event. I have been looking forward to getting pregnant again, or, rather having another baby, for the last seven or so months. But the night before the dr appointment I cried a lot and realized that I was frustrated because I didn’t want to go through pregnancy again. I was angry because “I have babies” why do I have to do it again. But, the moment past and my heart calmed and I knew all would be well. Leif held me through my tantrum and we talked. I told him how I have been figuring a plan to have a “beautiful” pregnancy this time around. But I was realizing that I didn’t really know what a beautiful pregnancy was. Leif was wise and filled with the spirit when he said; the first thing to remember is there is no such thing as a perfect pregnancy NONE. The other thing he said was to be happy. To just be happy! That is a beautiful pregnancy. So … I will! Since we have made the decision to get pregnant again, I’m hoping to be pregnant sooner then later. I have a little fertility recipeJ and the rest is up to the Lord. My recipe consists of Maca Root, Guafenisen (Musinex), baby aspirin, water, and lots of Fun ;) . So, we’ll see what happens.

From 2007

We went to the cemetery in Brigham City for Memorial Day. Technically we could have gone on the Saturday. But I found that I was quite melancholy about visiting the babies site… teary eyed and moody. I was also very tired from a long trip. But we went in the morning (Sunday) when everyone was at church. I felt a lot better and the spirit was peaceful. We cried a bit when we got there and walked Jakob out to their spot.

From 2007

We told him that this was where the babies’ bodies were. I then out of the blue asked him where the babies’ spirits were. He immediately pointed up to the sky as if it was a well known, simple fact. “And a child shall lead them…” He pointed up during a prayer since then and said babies. They are still all kindred spirits.

It is a special time in our lives. Every day is new. I struggle so much to just stay content and happy with just the every day joys. It is a personal struggle of mine; almost a medical issue. But when it boils down to it, I am happy and I dearly love my little family. Leif and I look forward to moving out on our own as soon as we can. We very much love his parents. But once you begin a family, you should be running that family on your own (except the emergency rescue moments.) We are able to read our scriptures as a family each morning and pray together. I am sure that is most of what gets us all through the time away from each other. We both lack in our ability to fulfill our callings; Leif, because of his work schedule, and I because of my struggle to just maintain my soul and family strength. But I pray that I will be able to step up day by day and serve better. 12:17AM. Must go to sleep. Hormones play such a roll in our lives as women. Estrogen surge = insomnia. Maca brings relief until this week (lots of hormones). This too shall pass!!

June 14, 2007

Wowsers! Life is so fun sometimes. Fun in a sarcastic way. Today I have done nothing productive with Jakob except a couple short stints of Battle Ship and playing with the Little People. Otherwise, I have read my book all day as he watches Sesame Street or Babe off and on. I had a Presidency meeting and a visit from my Visiting Teachers and FayLynn. But otherwise, I have felt absolutely no motivation to do anything constructive. Jakob is kicking the door and asking to be rocked, so I’ll be back. … I’m back and hopefully he’ll fall asleep. I don’t know. I was just plain depressed today. Not sad, just a lingering melancholy. We finally made it to 7:00PM and went to the park for an Elders Quarm picnic. It was fun but I really felt lost in the beginning without Leif. I hate being without him. I was fine once things started picking up. But then his mom and I got talking as we walked home and I realized that she didn’t quite have the view on our future that I thought she did. She still wants us to stick around and do the Real Estate with Milo. I am frustrated because we are trapped. We are living here and we are feeling the restraints of obligation.

June 20, 2007

I was preparing lunch this afternoon as Leif and I were talking about finances. The thought came to me about how we keep saying that things can only go up hill from here. I sure hope that is true. Because things are not very easy right now. But I guess if it’s not one thing that’s a trial it’s another. Leif has been working so hard. But he got paid today and all of our money is already gone. His job pays well. It’s just that our debt is sucking us dry. If all goes as planned, we should begin to have enough for our needs by the end of July. Sooner if we’re lucky. But ohhh, until then.

My job right now is to gather anything that we can sell to make money. I will be so grateful when this financial burden is lifted. On another hand, as hard as it is to be away from each other so much; Leif and I are very much enjoying our evening reunions. Marriage is a beautiful union. At least ours is… a true blessing. I hope we haven’t been foolish in allowing the possibility of pregnancy into our life right now. But we both want it. That’s a good thing. I just have to rely on my trust and faith in the Lord that He will set all things up according to the best timing for our family. If we have learned one thing it is that, we can survive. Although, I do look forward to a stable summit in the near future. That is my prayer anyway.

On a personal level, I feel good. But I do struggle with my weaknesses. My inability to be content with the present, my lack of motivation to Get Out and do things. (Visit people, weed the garden, play in the water, go to the park.) I am really messed up that way. We still go walking a few days a week. And that gets us out. But I know Jakob would love to do more. If I could just enjoy life without Leif being by my side. Nothing is at all as enjoyable as it is when I am with Leif. I just feel incomplete. It is very hard for me to have him working so much and during the prime of the day. BUT, it is good for us! I need the forced independence. We need the money. Leif needs the experience and the assurance that he is doing all he can to help us. Jakob is surviving. I think he is okay. I try to play with him throughout the day. Some days are better then others. Leif’s parents are a God Send! Jakob loves his reprieve from me in the evenings as he plays with them. I just have to accept the help and be grateful. Even if Jakob tends to be Very Extra Loved. He is still a sweetheart and a precious gift. I really think that my life will get easier (in a way) just by having more children. That’s why Leif and I are truly hoping for another set of healthy twins. I need more children to take up my time and mind space. Jakob needs more friends and playmates. Speaking of Jakob, he is awake.

June 21, 2007

Jakob is asleep and went down pleasantly. That was a nice change. Ever since he’s changed and insisted on being rocked to sleep, life has been a tiny bit more difficult. But at the same time, I think I will cherish the time I get to hold him. Holding him is a very rare occurrence during his awake times. He requires my attention, but not as much affection. His primary love language right now is Quality Time. Just like mine. Unfortunately it is not his time I require as much. Jakob is a precious child. Unusual in his nature. He is loved by all that know him. He is very popular at church and in the neighborhood. His eyes sparkle. It is only those of us who are with him every day that see his little spoiled streak. Grandma truly spoils him and that isn’t very easy to ignore anymore because he is bringing the expectation home with him. Ahhh… maybe he isn’t going to go down as well. I hear his beckoning; Mamma…. We’ll see.

Today Leif and I looked through our boxes in storage to try and find a diamond ring that Leif bought before we were ever dating. It was not my style. We saved it and knew that we could use it for money some day. Well, we can’t find it. We sure can use it… It’s very much like how I feel. Something precious or delightful is hidden somewhere and is sure to come up, we just need to find it. I pray for peace. I was practically in tears when Leif left for work today. I want so much to be strong for him. But I feel my emotions so strong and right at the surface. I am definitely in a depression. It is either just the circumstances of life and fatigue, PMS, or pregnancy. I am trying to work myself out of it and just find things to keep my attention that cheer me up. I will learn how to knit from Harmony soon. I think I’ll ask her to teach me tonight. I just need to get the motivation to call her before our daily walk at 6:00. They invited me to dinner last night. That was helpful in lifting me up. We didn’t get to have a friend over for Jakob like we had hoped. I need to call her again and try to set up another time. I will be learning how to braid rugs too. I just need to get that set up. I will do that tonight!!

I’m reading a series called “Prelude to Glory” it is about life during the revolutionary War through to the restoration of the gospel. It has been a great learning experience. I have pondered what life was like for these dear women who had to let their husbands go off to war. I looked up information about Martha Washington today. It was nice to hear that she was a sweet woman with a cheerful disposition. I wanted to lean about her correspondence between she and her husband during their times apart. Unfortunately she burned all of the letters between them except for two before she died. That is a tragedy in my opinion. But I understand her dying need was her need to preserve that privacy that would surely be publicized and critiqued. She was a woman who taught that our character is defined by our disposition, not our circumstances. That is the virtue that Father is trying to teach me right now. Jakob is playing with his toys. I’ll have to go try and lay him down again.

June 29, 2007

Jakob is down. Let’s hope for the night. It’s been a while since I last wrote… I did invite Harmony over to teach me how to knit. It was an enjoyable evening. I actually caught on. She taught me how to do the pearl stitch. I did fine for a few days. Then somehow it got messed up. Not too uncommon for a first time project. I was bummed. But I’m trying to get back together with Harmony so she can teach me again how to start a project. This time I want to make some dish rags with wool string. It’s supposed to be mildew resistant. I need some rags like that!! I have been as mean as a coiled up rattle snake this last week and a half. I strike and it’s like my anger’s been pent up and ready to explode forever. Leif has never had to take such harsh words from me, let alone defend himself against them. I feel so terrible about it!! I felt even worse when Jakob woke up from a nightmare in the morning barely after I had ripped in to Leif for no real good reason. I invited the nightmare and I felt definitely the need for repentance. CRAZY!! I feel imbalanced. I haven’t felt like this for months. I think it is just the sudden change and all of the time without Leif. He was my strength. Now I have to find myself, and my Savior.

As I try to do that, I have also ordered an herb that is supposed to help me balance my serotonin and dopamine. I read a book and took a quiz about our body’s chemicals. The quiz said that I am severely deficient in both chemicals. This stems from chronic stress… Go Figure. We still want to try and keep me off prescription anti depressants. So hopefully this herb Ashwagondah will help. I’ve picked myself up enough the last couple of days enough to go for a bike ride with Leif and Jakob. That has been really good. I hope we’ll be able to do something like that for a while. I had one night of severe insomnia this week. No fun! We figure that I’m either having a bad PMS month or pregnancy. Funny how the symptoms are so similar. I have had some cramping the last couple of days… so who knows. Either way will be fine.

Leif’s mom has accepted the fact that we need to move to SG. She talked to me about the idea of us using Erik’s big trailer that is just parked out here and live in it at an RV spot in SG until we can rent somewhere. She wants us to come back during the week or on the weekends. She is really attached to Jakob… and us. Leif and I will talk about the idea tonight…

July 13, 2007 (Friday)

It’s been a while. As usual a lot has happened. We threw the idea of a trailer around for a while. But we couldn’t find anything under $400 a month. It just wasn’t making sense. Nothing was until I finally woke up one morning and Leif told me that he had to borrow money for gas to get to work. Something hit me and I just went in to the “where there’s a will, there’s a way” mode. I called a few daycares and there were a couple of openings that I could work and take Jakob with me. Rent had gone down a little in SG so we could actually contemplate the idea of moving. We found about four town homes that were in our price range ($800 a month.) We headed out that afternoon to SG to find me a job and us a home. We got 15 minutes out of F, our faith wavered, and we concluded that we were crazy to think that we could get in to a town home in such short notice. We threw out the idea. We decided that we could do the trailer and me work. So we continued in to SG.

I applied for the job, we drove around the RV Park, and we went into the area that Leif worked in so he could knock on some doors. We got to a park and were just settling Jakob and I there when the phone rang. It was a man I had talked to earlier asking if we wanted to come look at his place. Leif answered and told him we had decided we couldn’t do it. As he was talking I remembered talking with the guy. He told me they weren’t sure what they wanted to do for a deposit and they were flexible. As Leif hung up I asked him what we would need in order to get into a place now. He said that we would need someone that would eliminate or delay the initial deposits. I told him what I had just remembered and he called him back to discuss our options. We were thrilled to find that the couple was very open to helping us with what we needed. We drove over to the town home and immediately we all knew that we were all in the right place at the right time.

From 2007

The home will definitely meet our needs and Jason and Jenna our landlords are wonderful. Father directed us. Driving in to SG that morning, we were at our limits, humbled to the core. We needed help! We needed someone to just give us a chance! And they did. It was another lesson on faith for us. Leif is applying for a morning job as a waiter and I will be doing in home child care. It will not be easy! But we feel good about the direction we’re going. Right now I am packing things up. I’m tired. Jakob is sick. Poor guy has some kind of bug in his gut that won’t go away. He throws up at night. Has a low grade fever and diarrhea during the day. And he is definitely on the disagreeable side. But we’re hangin’ in there.

Leif gave me a blessing this morning. I have really been tempted to go on meds again to help me stay up in spirits. But I was told to use the Lord as my anti depressant through prayer, scripture study, and fasting. I will really try. We read scriptures in the morning at breakfast. That has been really nice. We were told again that we have children who are preparing to come in to our family and our job is to continue to prepare for them and they’ll come in the Lord’s time. I am trying to be content and at peace. It is a struggle beyond belief for me!! To just stay happy and cheerful…. I am anti social more then ever. Once I get out I am fine. It is just a matter of getting out. Crazy! But maybe this move will help me. I did speak at the nurses in-service yesterday at the hospital about the articles that I wrote for parents and hospital employees concerning still born and sudden death of a baby. It turned out well. They all said that they benefited and that I should continue sharing with other nurses. I will… Well, it’s dinner time.

July 26, 2007

We’ve moved in to our little town home and so far everything is fitting nicely and we’re doing well. Finances have been stressful. Leif’s last check was substantially lower then we thought it would be. So the mercy of our land lord has been an incredible blessing. Leif secured a morning job at Wal-Mart and is earning almost $10.00 per hour as a cashier. That should be very helpful. I hope it all works out. He’s working so much. It’s hard for all of us and he hasn’t even started at Wal-Mart. Leif came upon a pilot instructor while working a little while back. He’s thinking about going through pilot school. I think it might be a good idea. He met the instructor on the day that I was fasting and praying for direction. We have to get out of debt before he can go to school. So he has to take this year and work as much as he possibly can. I will do babysitting here and there as much as I can. We’ll see what happens.

We have a really neat ward here. They have welcomed us in with open arms and helping hands. I had two families bring cookies in one night. One family bring a ward list and welcome us, one family invite us for Sunday dinner, and the RS Presidency come to visit. I also have a new friend with a nice boy Jakob’s age who invited me and Jakob to go visiting teaching. It is nice. I still struggle at times. But I am really happy where we are.

It was our fourth wedding anniversary last night. Leif surprised me with roses and flowers as well as ice cream and M&M’s. I surprised him with new candles on our bed side stands and romantic music. It was a lovingly evening… What a gift our Love is! We got many of our pictures hung up this morning. It is so fun to hang them all. We even got the babies painting hung. It looks really nice. I am going to work on some photo projects. That should be fun… Well, that’s our story right now….

August 11, 2007

We’re Pregnant! I found out on August 5, 4 days before my period was due by taking a sensitive PG test. We were pondering going back on the pill if I wasn’t PG so I could work as a nanny. We’re glad I’m pregnant and hope that it stays! I’ve had subtle symptoms but nothing too extreme. We’re happy that we found a good doctor and we get to see his nurse on Monday and him on Tuesday. He’s a specialist and recommended to us because we are a high risk pregnancy.

Leif’s been working a LOT! We hate his hours and are looking for another job that he can do for the next year to get out of debt and then a career job. Probably have to do some education first. We’re thinking massage until the career change. My moods have calmed tremendously since I became pregnant which is a special treat. I’m working on preparations for the future like little recipes and food ideas for nausea and headaches (magnesium) Blackstrap Molasses ginger cookies with Almonds. They’ve helped so far. Lentil soup/bean soup for folic acid and Chlorophyll for more magnesium and cell production and body cleansing. Magnesium helps the muscles and nerves in the body calm too. I use it in hopes of preventing miscarriage. Hopefully all will go well!! I’ll keep you posted. We have a wonderful ward that has been a great support. Financially, friendship, and spiritually. Blessing!!

October 22, 2007

It’s been a long time. Well, I’m still Pregnant and happy to be! This pregnancy hasn’t been easy. But it’s been easier then the others. So I’m really grateful for that!!! I had low progesterone in the very beginning and had to start taking progesterone supplements to sustain the pregnancy. It worked. I was sick from week 7 to 10 REALLY bad. It then slowly subsided to sick in the evenings now and I am strong most of the time during the day. I’m really grateful for that!

From 2007

I’m hoping the baby is a girl. But I will be thrilled with a boy too. We have an ultrasound next week on Halloween and I will be 17 weeks along. We should be able to tell at that time. We’re excited!! It will be a good time for some fun news. The one-year anniversary of the babies’ birth is the day before Halloween. I’m sure we’ll be fine. But it will be nice to have a little boost. I’m really glad to be PG at this timeframe. I finally got my dad to edit my Baby Loss articles. My mom read them too and they both thought they were really well done. That was a nice compliment. It’s nice to have them professionally edited too. Now I feel okay about passing them around. I was happy to see that there weren’t very many errors.

I thought that I had updated that Leif has started school. Guess not. But he hasJ He started this semester at Dixie State College. He’s going full time getting all of his General Education done. He will apply for the Radiological Technologist (X-Ray Tech) program at Weber State University in Ogden this spring. He will begin that program in the fall of 2008. In the mean time, we will move back to F, save on rent for spring semester and summer, and then move to Ogden. He will commute to school during the spring. After he gets his X-ray tech degree, he will move on to get a BS in Sonography (Ultrasound Tech) we’re excited about the path we’re on!

Jakob turned 3 years old and is growing up. He’s throwing a fit right now. He didn’t want Leif to go to school. He’s getting over a cold so he’s still fussy. I’m letting him vent for a while. He’s starting to understand a lot more about the world around him and say a lot of cute things. nmhj He likes to type on the computer too. He stopped his fit and later got on the computer so he could add to my entry. Some of the cute things he’s said lately are 1. He said his first prayer all by himself. When it was time to say what he was thankful for he said he was thankful for “the baby, my house, my room…” It was very sweet. 2. Another time he was upset about something and he put his face in his hands and said “I’m not happy anymore…” We work a lot on using words to explain how we’re feeling. 3. He loves to read the book “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” He can say most of the words and loves naming the food. 4. His favorite games to play are; Switch: This is a game where we each throw a ball and switch balls in the process. Crash: This is where we crash cars over and over. Big Outside: This is where we go out to the front yard and roll cars or rolls of tape down the sidewalk. Matching with his CARS Memory Game: We line all of the cards face up and we play match that way. He’s finally grasped the concept and loves the game. And finally, Hoops: Grandma and Grandpa Baron got him a basketball hoop that hangs on the guardrail of his bed. He LOVES to shoot hoops and does a good job. He often plays hoops before settling down and rocking with Papa before bed. Jakob is very bright. He is happy and a true blessing. He likes to be clean like his dad, especially when it comes to clean hands. He doesn’t like when something is “hard to do” but we usually insist on him trying one more time. Life is good.

January 11, 2008

It has been a long long time. And so much has happened. A lot of times I think throughout the week about how I need to stop and write about all of the little things Jakob does and how he’s growing up. Tonight he just finished from a half hour quiet moment of reading Leif’s Calvin and Hobbs comic book. We noticed that he was quiet and I peeked onto the bed to see him just looking at each page. Now he’s asking for food… even though we recently returned from going out to dinner with Leif’s parents. Buying a kid’s meal is always a risk… will he eat it, or just pick? He still likes most all foods. He likes side salads and healthy choices too. That makes me happy.

It is morning now and he is ornery. Not quite sure why? He definitely has the only child syndrome. But he’s still pleasant the majority of the time. He enjoys his little preschool class and primary. We walk to preschool on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It is a really good workout for me. I’ve noticed lately how much there is still for us to teach him. Things like how to dress and undress himself, potty training, how to hold a pencil, etc. He just hucked his marble game at the wall because it wasn’t working like he wanted it to. I had to put him in his room. Guess he’s craving attention today. So I’ll have to get off the computer and try to wake myself up enough to get the energy to do all that I need to do…. Wish me luck!

January 30, 2008

Sorry , wish I could keep this better updated. But I have the energy tonight, so I’ll write. Before I forget; some cute Jakob things: He’s been kind of sickly lately due to the winter season and starting primary and preschool. One morning he woke up with a bad stomachache and Leif had already gone to school. He and I were lying in bed and he turned to me and said “pray” I thought about how precious that was and then I realized that he not only meant prayer, but he was asking for a priesthood blessing. I love when that strong little spirit shines through. I explained that only Papa could give priesthood blessings, but Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers and if we prayed together, He would help Jakob feel better. So I put my hand on Jakob’s tummy and we had a sweet prayer. Jakob fell asleep and felt better when he woke up. I was truly grateful for the experience.

Jakob loves primary right now and he loves to sing I Am a Child of God, and Choose the Right. He also loves to talk about CTR and choosing the right. We have several Bible storybooks that are his favorites as well as a book called I Love to see the temple. He loves us to sing that song to him. He likes to talk about how mama and papa were born in the temple; he means married but he gets it mixed up. We’re all excited to have baby Caleb within the next couple few months. Jakob is Very Excited. He often talks about what he will do with the baby…

I had a week where I struggled with anxiety over whether we would struggle with comparing Caleb to Jakob and creating a complex and stereo type. Hopefully we won’t and all will be well. I’m so used to just having Jakob that I often wonder what it will be like. But Jakob has been a blessing and with Leif’s genes we’ll be just fine. I love Caleb already; I just want all of my kids to be happy kids. I can’t remember how active Jakob was at this time of pregnancy. Caleb is really active Especially if I eat chocolate. He really reacts to chocolate. I will need to remember that. He also squirms a lot when I lay on my side. Sometimes I worry about the cord being pinched. It will be nice to not be pregnant anymore and have him out with us where I can then deal with the new journey Which is easier?... PregnancyJ

Life has been good lately. I’ve been more tired this last trimester. But that’s about it. The pregnancy has been a blessing. I started taking Rhodiola Root and Cayenne to boost my metabolism, mood, circulation, and immune system. I think it has helped. Leif is doing well in school. I finally heeded the Lord’s prompting to get more involved in the business endeavor that Leif is working on, ITV Ventures. For the most part, it has been good for me, probably all of it has been good for me, it’s just that I fight it a bit because I struggle with consistent motivation and energy. I have really created almost a hermit like status that hasn’t been good, and working a business again has been really good for me. It strengthens my brain and character.

Leif and I are learning a lot and trying to find a good system to help us reach our goals. Finding the balance, that is almost always the journey. The phone is ringing, late at night, it’s actually my aunt Kathy Westwood, Leif’s talking with her. She and Jim are working ITV Ventures too. But she just wants everyone’s contact information. It’s nice to have family members that take the initiative to keep everyone in touch. I got thinking about Grandma Stanger the other night… I was reading an Ensign article by President Monson and somehow the vision of grandma’s rose bushes outside of her side door came time mind and it brought a sweet and melancholy feeling. How I love my grandma and miss her….

President Hinckley passed away this last Sunday. It was not unexpected, he was 97 years old. But he will be deeply missed. Such a precious and influential man. I wish very much we could make the trip to his funeral, but Leif keeps me in reality and my present condition , money, and time allows us only to watch the funeral on television. I remember the day that President Hinckley was sustained, I was laying on the bed in our bedroom in 1995 and as I raised my hand to sustain him, the spirit rested upon me and confirmed to me that he was truly a prophet of God. I am grateful for that testimony. As I was reading the many articles about him; Church News, Deseret News, and also various national news, I was particularly impressed by a statement given by President George Bush.

It is as follows: Statement from President George W. Bush: Laura and I are deeply saddened by the death of our friend, Gordon B. Hinckley. While serving for over seven decades in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Gordon demonstrated the heart of a servant and the wisdom of a leader. He was a tireless worker and a talented communicator who was respected in his community and beloved by his congregation. As President of his church, he traveled to more than 60 countries to spread a message of love and optimism to the millions of people around the world who shared his faith. A Mayflower descendent and the grandson of Mormon pioneers, Gordon was a deeply patriotic man. His leadership and service strengthened the Board of Trustees of Brigham Young University, the Boy Scouts of America, and the 2002 Winter Olympic Games in Salt Lake City. In 2004, I was honored to present him with the Medal of Freedom, our Nation's highest civil award, in recognition of his lifelong public service. Laura and I will miss Gordon's friendship and wisdom. Our thoughts and prayers are with his five children and the rest of the Hinckley family. Praise to the man…

Leif and I have been very much following the current presidential campaign that’s going on. I think it is probably a historical and the most unique of it’s kind. We have on the democratic side: Hillary Clinton (a woman) and Barok Obama (a black man of Muslim decent) and the Republicans: Mitt Romney (a LDS) and John McCain (a typical politician that claims to be conservative Rep, but acts as a democrat) Leif and I have no objections to having a woman, an African American, a Muslim, a Mormon, or a Military Politician as a president. We’re not prejudice. BUT we definitely feel strongly about who is most qualified for our present state of the country (struggling economy in a state of war.) We strongly feel that Mitt Romney is the most qualified, not because he is LDS, but because he has a very good mind on his shoulders and as he put it in the debate tonight, he won’t go into office with a bunch of lobbyists hanging onto his elbow. On the republican’s side, the race is tight between McCain and Romney, but McCain just got some big endorsements and I fear he might take it. I truly worry if that is the case because then we have no happy medium, Clinton, Obama, and McCain are the three that would be the front runners and as Leif put it, it’s like voting for three Democrats and no republicans. McCain is so flamboyantly military minded that I fear what will happen. I fear a draft or something extreme. With Clinton and Obama, I just don’t even know…. It is crazy. So much “Politically correctness” So much conspiracy and politics… It is an interesting race, and it will be an interesting 4-8 years in the future. Luckily, I don’t have any teenagers yet that I have to worry about to the extreme that some might have to. I can still try to keep them under my wings and try to train them and prepare them for their future.

OH, on my extended family update, my parents have finally made the final decision to begin the process of selling the business. My dad is taking 5 weeks off from Deseret News to have the time to work with a broker and sell it. It is such a big step. It will be a new season and journey of life. I hope they can survive it with dignity.

March 12, 2008

Well, another couple of months have gone by. That’s amazing!! I only have a few weeks left until I deliver Caleb. Things are still going just fine. I have some itching and I’m Really big. Carrying all up front. But thanks to sleep aids at night my body isn’t getting too fatigued. I get VERY loopy with the Benedryl and Ambian. But that is the Only way I can Get to sleep and stay asleep. Crazy!

Leif is doing well in school. It’s Spring Break and I’ve managed to monopolize practically his whole week. He is VERY patient. Today I’m trying to let him do what he wants to do. My nesting instinct is in full swing. I have ordered all of the baby things we needed, we’ve deep cleaned, I’ve organized and re-organized. I’m working on a digital scrap book for Jakob. I’m just trying to keep busy so I don’t get too anxious. We’re going to try and get Dr. Bowman to induce me on April 4th. So I don’t have too long. I think I’ll be able to fill the time.

Jakob is doing well. He loves school and primary and has progressed leaps and bounds. He’s even grown a few inches. Still hasn’t hit 30 pounds. But he’s getting taller. And smarter. Right now he loves to draw airplanes and houses. He talks about monsters and Transformers. He talks about Jesus and the world around him that Jesus made. He loves to sing primary songs as well as “Leaving on a jet plane, We all live in a Yellow Submarine… and any funny song he can make up. He learned to two previous songs from Leif’s guitar practice. We finally got Jakob his own guitar to play. He has started to say his own prayers. I think they say prayer at preschool, although, it might be primary… either way he has learned from the other kids around him how to pray, not that we haven’t taught himJ Jakob LOVES to have family scripture study. He truly leads us in this habit. He loves the military size scriptures I gave him and he loves to listen for all of Heavenly Father and Jesus’ names so he can highlight them. He loves to call them out when he hears them, even if we’re at church, etc. It’s wonderful that he is able to focus and enjoy the gospel.

We are all really excited for Caleb. Jakob can feel him move now if he’s sitting on my lap. Caleb moves a lot. I don’t know if it’s in my head, but I think he stirs when he hears Jakob. He will also move if anything touches my stomach. There are times that Jakob shows the typical new sibling anxiety and he will hit my stomach if he gets upset. Although, that might just be because it is right at eye level and sticking straight outJ… We all laugh now when I’m sitting down and Jakob will look over at me and say, “Caleb is growing big big, Mama’s tummy is BIG!” He struggles with sitting on my lap now “ Mama has a big tummy” he says. Leif and I ponder more now what it will be like to have a new baby that isn’t Jakob. With the girls we didn’t get a normal chance. But we’ve all gone through the normal processing period where we have worked through the acceptance of Jakob not being our only child. But we’re through that and really excited! We’re going on a vacation in May. Jared and my parents are sponsoring a trip to Nauvoo with us. We are VERYYYYY Excited. The baby will be little. But he should be fine. Well, I can’t sit here anymore…. All is well!

March 29, 2008

Well, I’m feeling upbeat about this weekend. My contractions were regular for at least three hours. Unfortunately, I had to take my meds to sleep and that slowed them down. But I think we’ll be okay and get things going again. The doctor helped a little yesterday during the exam. So I’m really hoping. We’re at 38 ½ weeks and I feel like everything is fine. The Saturday before Easter we went to the temple for our stake temple day. It was really nice to be there again. While I was sitting in the chapel before the session a middle name for Caleb came to mind. I thought about it, and decided that I needed to tell Leif when I got the chance. We went through the session and then sat in the Celestial room and prayed and visited with our good friends the Jensen’s. As we were walking out of the Celestial Room, Leif stopped me and said “I almost forgot, what do you think about Caleb Noble?” I stopped in my tracks and said “You’ve got to be kidding! That is the name that came to me.”

April 6, 2008

Well, tomorrow is the official day. If something happens tonight, we’ll be happy. But I’m thrilled at the thought of finally giving birth and meeting our new baby. The last week has been a roller coaster ride. We have tried EVERYTHING to get my labor started enough to make a difference. When I say everything, I mean everything. Saturday we hiked Squaw Trail in K. We hiked a really good distance to the first look out. I’ve tried an herbal tincture, walking a good mile every day, taking a drive in the truck along the Loop Road (which is a VERY bumpy 1+ hour ride), bouncing on the trampoline, and some other natural things that I’ll spare you from hearing about. Pretty much the only thing I didn’t try was Castor Oil. I know that one doesn’t work and I wasn’t about to try it.

After the week of that fun stuff, we thought there had to be a good chance that I was ready enough to have the doctor break my water and induce me on Friday. But no. I hadn’t progressed at all. We were all very surprised! The doctor “helped things along” as much as he could, and he thought I’d deliver within that day. But I haven’t had hardly anything all weekend. The good news is that he said he would induce my labor on Monday (tomorrow) so that has gotten me through.

Our guess is that Caleb just isn’t engaged in the pelvis enough to put the constant pressure needed to open things up. I hope everything will go well tomorrow. I’ve been a bit discouraged this week because on Sunday I was laboring a lot and we wanted to keep it going so we walked A LOT and it was very windy and cold outside. Jakob and I caught a cold. Not severe, but I wanted to be really healthy when Caleb was born. We’re on the down slope now and Leif and Mark just gave Jakob and I a blessing. We were told that things would be fine and Caleb would be protected. I was told that I would have the strength to be a new mother and Caleb would be born happy and healthy. I was told that if I stayed close to the Lord I would be inspired as I helped Caleb and Jakob during this time. I’m really excited! Jakob’s blessing was very sweet. He was told that he would get better and that he would be blessed with wisdom and strength to welcome Caleb into our family and help Leif and I care for him. He was told that the angels would be round about him to lead him to choose the right. He was blessed with the ability to potty train coming up soon and learn to read and write his name as we work through the summer. It was a very sweet blessing!

We have had the privilege of watching and participating in General Conference this weekend. Saturday morning session was the Solemn Assembly where we sustained Thomas S. Monson as our prophet. It was a special moment. They had all of the auxiliaries stand individually. So Leif stood with the Elders and I with the Relief Society, and Jakob with the rest of the membership (the primary.) He was pleased at the chance to stand and raise his hand. I felt a warm witness as I sustained the prophet that he is a prophet of God. No bells and whistles. Just the warm tingle and a calm feeling. It has been nice to sit as a family and listen to all of the wonderful talks!

Happy Sunday!

Happy Sunday!

It turned out to be a good day. I have been really tired. So by the time we got home from church I was GRUMPY! But we all took a fine nap. I woke up though to the fact that the house was a disaster and honestly, I REALLY need a dishwasher!! After some serious positive thinking exercise and "I can do this" affirmations, I actually was able to get up and do what needed to be done. Leif was a blessing and helped with the dishes. That was the last time that we're letting them get like that! I'm healthy enough now that there is NO excuse... :) Anyway, I did some cooking tonight too. Homemade grahm crackers. They're actually pretty good.

I cut up a bunch of veggies to freeze tonight too. I realized that I'm coming to a turning point in my grieving. I will be able to throw away the breastmilk that I pumped for Rhea and still have stored in my freezer. As a mother, that is a very tender experience. At least for me. That was the one thing that I could do for Rhea and hope that it would be used. But, it wasn't... and it won't be. I have tears running down my face now, but you know what, I'm alright!

It's amazing the love that we still feel for our little girls even though we barely knew them in this life. Truly amazing! Leif was reading the past entrys in this blog the other night and had an "Empty Arms" moment. We love each other through those moments and we cry, and then we continue to live.... Never forgetting the babies, yet we move forward... I feel that this is healthy grieving.

Possible Land Buyers

I'm Tierd! I've spent the whole day working on http://www.AwakeningYourHealth.com I still feel good about it! Jakob played over a Dalens today and seemed to do pretty good. Leif had a great day at Coldwell Banker Advantage today. He had a couple come in who asked to look at a bunch of land. No less than 10 acres. That will be a Really good thing! We went down and played Dominos with Leif's mom tonight. That kindof one of our traditions. We used to do it nightly...

Tomorrow we have church at 9:00. So, we need to get to bed! Our house is a mess! I either need a dishwasher and a slightly bigger house with more storage; or, just more ACTION!
CRAZY!

~ Lena

Offered a job by the Multi-Million Dollar Man in town

It feels good to have this blog updated! Now I'll be able to write in it each day and not have to play catch up. Well, life just got brighter today! Leif called me this afternoon and he ended up being offered a job as a real estate project manager by the "Million Dollar Man" in town. This man owns several subdivisions in Kanab and is in the process of developing several for Fredonia. Leif has been doing what he can to show this man that he has what it takes to work for him. I thrilled to say that Leif's brown nosing worked! It's the Law of Attraction; or, the classic "Ask and ye shall recieve!" He will start in the Summer. Leif was just chatting with him today about a few ideas that he (Leif) has, and the man offered him a job. What a Blessing!

We are celebrating with ice cream and pumpkin chocolate chip cookies today. I'm glad to say the ice cream didn't end up being as good as I like. So... I won't eat as much. I've been walking every day. I love the girls that I walk with. But I sure wish that I could get over the weight platau that I'm on. I can't wait to start The Pampered Chef so I can earn some money! I really want to do the Colenix Cleanse. Then I want to buy Maca Root. And I want to start the Whole Foods Farmacy program as SOON as I can!!! I really think that will all help! The cleanse will make it so my body will absorb all of the nutrients, the Maca will balance all of my hormones and chemicals in my body, and the raw foods will retrain my system to be able to eat correctly and feel satisfied. And in the meantime, I'm sure I'll loose weight.

I'm still working on my website the site address will be http://www.AwakeningYourHealth.com I'm so excited to publish the site! I feel really good about the content of the site as well as the products that I feature. I hope everyone else enjoys it too!

Jakob is working on potty training himself. He is so awesome! I just have to remember that as long as I let things go at his pace and everything will work out right. As long as I'm in tune with his signals I am able to follow his lead. Now I just let him tell me when he feels like sitting on the toilet and I don't force it. Sometimes he goes, and sometimes he doesn't. Either way, I'm not training myself to tell him to go, he's training himself as he trys to tune in to his body. It's fun. No worries especially since he's only 2 1/2.

I just have to make a note, ice cream is TERRIBLE for us! That is so frustrating! I just ate a bowl full, and now I have a headache! UGG!

Well, I need to get back to working on my site...

Lena:)

Lena Found A Job

February 8, 2007

Hey There!:)

I just went to a party and found myself a job. I'm going to be a Pampered Chef Consultant. What do ya think? Personally, I think it would be Great for Nate too! They have stories about men on their site who have been very successful. Just thought I'd let you know.:)

Love Ya,
Lena:)

Family Update

February 6, 2007

Good Morning Family,

I decided to write since I know you're busy and sometimes I'm just not in the mood to call, or my phone is dead...

We all just had breakfast together and Leif's getting ready for work. He's working for the eye doctor again for the time being. As soon as we have other options; or we don't need to work there, he won't. He also works in the Real Estate office. ITV is still bringing in money and still seems to be bringing in more each check. So that's nice! He tested for the police job and he and the other guy he tested with were both a 50/50 chance. The only thing the other guy has that Leif wasn't a bit better at was his passion for police work. Otherwise, Leif was a bit better at everything. They'll present the results to the city council and we'll know by Valentines day. It's a hard thing though... we really don't know what to think or do about the job. The academy is in Phoenix and it is NASTY! I couldn't go... and the work environment isn't the best. But we are responsible, knowing that the medical benefits are unbeatable and the stability is very much needed! So, we pray, wait, and leave it up to the Lord... Leif just came out of the shower and told me that if they offer the job, we will take it! I'm with him on the decision. This also means that I will be traveling a lot during the 4 months he is gone. He will be home on the weekends, so I will try to be home then as much as possible. But from March 12-July 12th I will want to travel out to visit people and do things. We get paid while he's in the academy, so that will make it all possible. Let me know if you guys have any fun plans during that time-frame.

We've been exercising and eating really well, we're both on our way down on the scale. So that's really nice! As soon as we get money I want to do a whole foods program that has wonderful results! I've met with a doctor/naturalist and will be meeting with her regularly for a while. She has a very good head on her shoulders and her techniques work for me.

I've also been working on a compilation of natural healing herbs and supplements. It's been really neat! I'm creating a website so I can earn money selling some of the products. Speaking of which, Mom, Jason wants you to call him and talk about helping him get some Amoryn, the natural supplement to Paxil that I'm taking. It works for me. He's interested. Dad, please show mom the website, http://www.amoryn.com/

Jakob is doing well. He's fun as ever! Healthy, eating, getting more color as we're outside more, and working on being "a good friend" as he plays with all of the little kids in the neighborhood.

We're all doing pretty good. I'm doing good most of the time. There are just some moments still, where I look forward to being Great! But anyway...

I just wanted to let you know we're thinking about you. Hope all is well!

Love,
Us:)

Business Oportunity

November 21, 2006

Hey There,

I just wanted to write and tell you about a business opportunity that Leif has come into that I think you will be really interested in. I told Leif that I would only believe it was a good thing if we earned more money than we put into it within a short amount of time. We have earned over double what we put into it and Leif's been working only two months, and that is very part-time. He could only "work" while Jakob was napping and a little at night after Jakob went to bed.

The company is a multi-million dollar company called ITV Ventures. It was originally an infomercial company. They have now started a Network Marketing company. Right now the product line consists of health and nutrition products. They will be opening it up to several more products within the next little while. I think the best part of the company is that we as IBO's (Independent Business Owners) don't have to do "Cold" sales. Because the company is hooked up with infomercials, they send us the leads. We are able to finalize the sale for people who have already learned about the product and they have contacted us to buy the product. Once you finalize the sale the person will be your customer from that point on and you will always get the commission whenever they buy anything from that point on.

Being a network marketing company, of course there is the other opportunity where you can get a large commission for signing anyone up as an IBO. When it comes to this part of the business, we are in a very good spot. The network marketing part of the company is still in the beginning days. So when you sign up there aren't a million people above you. Leif is around # 400 in the company and has received spillover IBO's from IBO's above him. And then he gets a commision of the sales of those under him. This is one of the ways that people become Very wealthy from working in Network Marketing.

I know I don't do the best job of explaining the details. But I just wanted to send this out to you and let you know that I believe this is a very good opportunity. I am a VERY critical person of this kind of company. So I have made sure it's for real before letting you know.

If you Are interested in learning more about it, take 3 minutes and listen to a call at 1-800-720-6062 then contact Leif at http://us.f391.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=leifbaron@yahoo.com, or call him at (435)689-0599.

Sisters Together Again

Rhea And LeOra's Story

All was well enough until my 20th week of pregnancy. That is when our lives changed forever. I had been growing increasingly bigger day by day (literally) for a couple of weeks. I then began to contract because I was so big. We were away from our doctor on a business trip (my husband got his real estate license) But we luckily had a routine appointment with our Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist

at week 20.

We walked into his office and turned on the ultrasound machine, and we immediately knew there was a problem; Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. Our babies shared a placenta and the blood vessels were not formed properly. One baby was receiving too much blood, and the other was not receiving enough blood. The baby who had too much blood was producing way too much amniotic fluid (as a release) and the baby who didn’t have enough was not producing any fluid and she was stuck to her womb wall. I had no idea a baby could survive without amniotic fluid. But they can under certain circumstances. This time, action set in before shock could. This was a good thing!

We were on a flight to Seattle that night to see a TTTS specialist. There is a laser surgery they can do to the placenta to try and correct the blood flow. Unfortunately, by the time we got to the hospital in the morning it was too late for the surgery. I was dilating and going to deliver within a short time if we didn’t do something.

I was in the hospital for two weeks in Seattle on very strict bed rest. We did weekly amniotic fluid reductions and a cerclage to help my body maintain the ability to keep the babies. The babies were tested continually and I was finally stable enough to fly to another hospital closer to family.

Mind you, we live in a tiny town. This meant that my husband had to fly home and pack up our belongings and our son and move to where the specialist hospital was. Luckily, it was where my family lived and my brothers had an apartment for my husband and son to live in 5 miles from the hospital. We were very taken care of not only by people here on earth, but by those who are beyond our view.

I was in the hospital for six more weeks, still on strict bed rest. It was very hard. But as mothers, I think our instinct is to do what we have to do. All was pretty routine for the first five weeks; weekly amniotic fluid reductions (two litter’s worth on average), daily testing of the babies’ health, and managing to stop bouts of labor that would try to kick in to high gear.

All routine changed at week seven in the hospital and 26 for the babies. I was in the testing center chatting with all of the sweet nurses that had become my friends, when a mother’s worst nightmare came true. My little LeOra started to pass away. Her heart began to slow down and they rushed me to labor and delivery, we got the machine on in time to see her last heart beat. I watched my baby pass away. Only a mother who has been through that can really grasp the feeling and experience.

I was blessed to have a doctor who was able to administer to my spiritual needs as well as medical needs. This was a blessing. We prayed together. During this prayer I breathed a deep sigh of comfort. I knew all would be well. I did not say easy, I said well. My precious husband arrived soon after our baby passed and we shared our sorrow together.
Our Father in heaven was with us during this very poignant time. I know He knows us and is with us during these hard times. I understood something I hadn’t fully grasped before about our Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ. Our Father let His son die for us. He knows how it feels to watch a child die…. He knows my aching heart.
I found hope at the thought that I still had little Rhea and she might still make it. We had to keep trying for her sake. So we did. I was in the same chair in the testing center five days later when we found that Rhea was retaining fluid around her skull and in her abdomen. This was not surprising. But it was what we were waiting for; a signal from her that it was time to deliver. (Mind you, by this time Rhea was swimming in amniotic fluid. A whole had been made so fluid from LeOra could flow to Rhea, Just a little side note.)

I was taken in for an emergency C-Section. My husband came with me and my wonderful Dr. rushed over from another hospital he was at to do the delivery. This meant a lot to me. The whole procedure felt like it took forever. When Rhea was born they rushed her to the NICU. After I was stable, my husband brought LeOra over to me so I could see her. She was beautiful. When you deliver a still born baby you don’t quite know what to expect. It was not an alarming experience. She was my baby and I could see her spirit. Physically, she was not scary. She was just a darker skin tone then what she normally would be. They brought her to us dressed in a cute little outfit and a beautiful pink blanket. It was a precious moment to hold her.

Rhea was in the NICU for eight days. We sat by her side every moment that we could. We talked with the doctors and just waited. We celebrated the good moments, took in her emanating love and spirit, enjoyed the presence of little LeOra that was close by as well as our grandmothers who had passed away. Rhea was named after my grandmother and LeOra was named after my husband’s grandmother.

We cried with Rhea as we knew that she was in pain. Her body was retaining fluid and her kidney’s would not kick in to cleanse her body. On day five we learned that she had severe brain damage. As a mother who had already watched one of her children die, I did not want to let Rhea go; no matter what! Until day number 8; Rhea was having tiny seizures and she had to be completely sedated. This is when we had a family prayer. My father in law led the prayer. We were told and comforted in the fact that our little Rhea’s time here on this earth was short. We knew that she had a mission to fulfill in heaven with her sister and we would be holding her back if we kept her any longer.

We decided that if we knew the answer there was no reason to prolong Rhea’s stay here on earth. We called our family together and the nurses helped us hold Rhea for the first time. We held her and loved her. After a while we allowed them to take the ventilator off and we continued to hold her. I carried her in to the room where everyone had gathered. As we walked in to the room I could sense that Rhea was unsure if I would be alright if she died. She was also physically struggling without the ventilator. It was all very subtle and not scary. But it was a tender moment. I held her close and whispered in her ear that all was well. I would be alright and she could go. She left her body shortly after that.

A couple of days before the family prayer that gave us our final answer of what we needed to do; Rhea had a doctor who could tell that she was far from healing. She hinted without telling us straight that it might be a good idea to take Rhea off of the machines. At this moment, I was not ready and I was completely confused emotionally and spiritually. I wanted to know why when we knew so clearly that Rhea was trying her best to fight and stay with us, was she not making it? Why did I have to let both of my babies die? It just wasn’t making sense; until the shift change for the Doctors. That night Rheas doctor was a kind man who we had never met. He just happened to unexpectedly get called in to that shift that night. No Coincidence.

He called us in to his office and it turned out that we had much in common spiritually and personally. It also turned out that he and his wife had lost a daughter before in a similar way. I told him my feelings, and I will never forget the part of his answer that hit home for me. He reminded me that our Father in Heaven who is all powerful and omnipotent is also obedient. He can work miracles and He does. But most of the time He has to follow the same laws that we follow; His Laws. There is a law of health. If the kidneys don’t work, the body will die. It is the circle of life. It is not a punishment or something to make us hurt, it is a law. Now, seeing that Father knows all things; my destiny as well as Rheas; if it was mandatory that Rhea stay on this earth at this time, than He would have made it so she could stay. But it wasn’t.

I believe that both of my little girls are companions in Heaven going about their Father’s business. And you know who their escorts are? Their great grandmothers; isn’t that beautiful?

Though I know with out a doubt I will see my babies again and I will have the chance to raise them after the resurrection. Even though I know that all is not lost, I still mourn. I still grieve, I still hurt… and that is okay!

November 8, 2006

Dear Friends and Family,

We have found so much strength from the many of you who have written to us and prayed for us. The spirits sustaining power has been with us these last several days. I wish that I had a more positive update. But that's not necessarily the case.

Baby Rhea's doctor called us in Monday evening to give us the results of a head ultrasound that was done that morning. Unfortunately the results clearly showed that Rhea had a severe brain hemorrhage in her brain as well as fluid that was pressuring the outside of her skull. As you can imagine the outcome results of this condition would most likely be severe handicaps.

Leif and I took this information and kind of set it aside because we could only choose one problem to focus on at a time and the Kidneys and bladder were our focus. But the next morning (Tuesday 7th) we went in to visit Rhea with Leif's parents who came into town and we could clearly sense that she was not well. Many times throughout the day we witnessed what were are suspecting were seizures.

The time came in the morning where Leif's dad gave Rhea a blessing. The spirit was strong and the Vail was thin. We knew we had many angels in our midst. As Mark gave the blessing, it became clear that it was Rhea's time for release from this life. It was a hard moment, yet it was so clear spiritually and physically, that we knew we had received the word from the Lord that gave us our answer and permission and it was our responsibility to act upon that. We waited until as many family members could be with us as possible, and then they let us hold her. We held her with the ventilator on for a while. Then we turned it off and held her until she was gone. Rhea's body fought long. We all got to hold her for a long time and feel of her sweet spirit. Leif and I marvel at the strength and comfort from the Lord that we received throughout the nights events. Rhea was at such peace. It was a beautiful feeling.

So, our little girls have gone back home and are serving our Father in Heaven along side their namesakes Grandma LeOra Baron and Rhea Westwood Stanger. I will not tell you that Leif and I are not missing them and mourning their loss. But I can tell you that there is no greater gift then knowing that we have a Father in Heaven who is very much aware of our lives and the journey that we are facing. We have learned that He has to follow the laws of physical nature just as we do. This is why He can't step in every time a beautiful child or loved one is dying. Yes, there are miracles. But most of the time the law is clear and everyone has to follow it.

We have all been blessed with a Savior who has made it a sure thing that all who die will live again. Leif and I will do all that we can to live worthy to raise our little girls after the Resurrection. This will be a precious goal and experience to work towards.

Thank you all for your Love and Support throughout this long journey. We will be forever grateful! We love you all!!

Leif, Lena, and Jakob Baron

October 27, 2008

As I was journeying through the loss of my twins, I found healing through writing. I have created a website with some of my thoughts about Baby Loss. On this website you will find a few thoughts from me during poignant times along the path to healing as well as articles I wrote titled: Please email me if you are interested in these articles. I am currently trying to make their PDF available. For now email me at MammaBaron at Yahoo Dot Com

SHOULD WE SEE THE BABY OR NOT?

WHAT MIGHT THE BABY LOOK LIKE?

SHOULD WE BURY THE BABY OR NOT?

HOW DO I STOP MY MILK FLOW?

WHAT DOES A BABY LOOK LIKE AFTER THEY DIE?

AS A NURSE, DOCTOR, OR HOSPITAL EMPLOYEE, WHAT IS MY ROLL?

October 27, 2008

This is a link to the first posts on this blog. They are written by me while I was in the hospital with the girls. September-October 2006

Much has happened

November 4, 2006

Well Hello Everyone!

I am finally out of the hospital, and I don't have a gigantic belly blocking my way to the computer. A lot has happened since we last wrote. Five days after we lost LeOra I was in having our regular ultrasounds for Rhea our surviving baby. As we proceeded through that we all noticed (we got really good at deciphering ultrasounds) that the baby had fluid around her skull and in her abdomen. After the Doctor looked I was in the preparation room for an emergency C-Section within a half hour. The delivery took over an hour and I will admit that it was a HORRIBLE experience to be numbed past my lungs. It was hard to breath. But I survived and so did Rhea. LeOra came out first at 1 pound 13 ounces and Rhea came out at 2 pounds 6 ounces 14 inches long..

After the surgery was over Leif brought LeOra to me to see. She truly was beautiful. She just looked like she was sleeping peacefully. At that point her skin was still pinkish and it was a good experience to see her for the first time. After I was out in the recovery room and not quite as sedated, they brought LeOra in for Leif and I to hold. We were humbled to see the love and tenderness that the hospital rendered us. They brought her to us dressed in a pretty pink outfit with a beautiful knitted hat, wrapped in a gorgeous knitted pink blanket. It was a very special experience for us to hold her. Tears were shed. But we still felt the comfort of the spirit. They let us see LeOra any time we wanted for the next day and a half. This made it possible for both sets of grandparents to have the opportunity to hold her. She will be buried in the same plot as her name sake Grandma LeOra on Wednesday.

Rhea is our precious little one who has unselfishly made the choice to stay with us so far. The first night that we saw her she looked little and pink and seemed to be hangin' in there. But as time has gone on her little body has had to put up a fight. At this point the majority of her vital organs are at least stable. But her Kidney's and bladder have never functioned. She is going on day 6 almost 7 days of life. Her abdomen and her head/face are very swollen with fluid and she seemed to be in noticeable pain for the first time today. They have given her mass amounts of diuretic medications to try and get her renal system to jump start.

Rhea was given a blessing her second night of life. At that point Father in Heaven gave her the choice whether to stay here with us, or go back and serve with her sister in Heaven. It was hard for us to hear those words when you want so badly to just say "BE HEALED!" and have everything all better. We could feel that the Vail was very thin between here and heaven for the next couple of days as Rhea made her decision. In the mean time she was given another blessing and this one again turned out to be a blessing of comfort (As the men have No idea what they will be saying until it is said) Leif and I hit our sorrow point for her when we came in one morning a few days ago and her abdomen had turned purple like a bruise. We cried many tears that day and night and pled with our father in heaven throughout the night.

By the next morning Leif and I felt renewed faith from our experience of pleading with the Lord. We went in to visit Rhea and we felt her spirit letting us know she was staying. That day we were happy when the doctors told us that other than the kidneys and bladder her body was stabilizing. She had a really good day yesterday.

This morning we went in and Rhea seemed to be in pain and they were upping her pain and sedation medication. Leif and I still feel peace for her future. But we need the tides to turn. Leif felt that it was appropriate to give Rhea another blessing. This was another very special blessing. Rheas body was commanded to begin the healing process and allow Rhea the chance to honor her decision to stay on this earth. Needless to say Leif and I were given much peace from this blessing. As of this evening Rhea was stable and the doctor had decided to up her meds to help her kidneys. She did this because there have been three diapers that MIGHT have had urine on them and she wants to give her all the help she can.

We are in good spirits. It is VERY hard to be patient. But there is more to this then we can see and we have to leave everything up to the Lord. He is the master physician. We truly believe that!

We love you all and thank you SO Very much for all of your love, support and prayers. Thank You! We hope all of you are well!

Love Lena and Leif

Events out of our control

October 26, 2006

Well, there are times in life when there just aren't a lot you can say about certain things that happen. Many of you have been walking with us through this journey that we are on. Because of your love and concern, we feel the need to share with you the events of yesterday afternoon.

I woke up and all was well. I went to the testing center around 1:00 for our regular 1 hour fetal monitoring. As we began, all seemed normal and well. Both babies were moving and nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary. Within a matter of minutes one of the babies went from moving around to loosing her heart rate. It was a flurry of controled panic. The doctors tried to rush me into labor and delivery. But in a matter of 15 minutes and seconds of arriving into Labor and delivery her heart had stopped.

We were in shock. We have a wonderful doctor who came with a couple other doctors and gave me a beautiful blessing that calmed me very much. It has been and will continue to be a long wearysome jouney. As of now, I have not delivered either baby and we won't until it becomes apparent that we need to. When that is? I have No idea.

It has been hard, but we feel comforted. We are truly grateful for the understanding that we will be able to raise her one day after the ressurection. Her name is Leora Lynn Talithacumi. She has had her name for months and we know now why we were prompted to name her this. Talithacumi comes from the bible, Christ said this as he raised a girl from the dead. It means, "Damsel, I say unto the arise." Someday...

I'm weary...but surviving. I hope this finds you all well. We wish this was a happier update.

Love, Lena and Leif