The Girls Would Be Two

It often feels like the evening hours bring out underlining thoughts and emotions. Throughout the last week or so I have pondered thoughts and memories of my girls. Jakob has mentioned them on occasion lately too. He speaks about them more then Leif and I do. He says that he misses them and asks when they will come back...

When you lose a child (or two), and then give birth to another one there is often the question in your mind whether this new child will feel like a replacement of the children you lost. We have learned that no child can be replaced. You truly love every child that you have as individuals. I have been amazed at how I have fallen in love more and more with Caleb (just as I fell in love with my other children) and yet, I still ponder about my girls and I miss them...

They would be two years old this October. A day before Halloween to be exact (how bizarre, isn't it?) On good days, I think that Leif and I could have handled twins. On the not so good days, I think we would have survived and my life would have been incredibly different. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get the thought of having another set of twins out of my mind. I wouldn't call it a desire... it's just this strange pondering I have.... I think it goes along with the desire I had to have a girl (when I was pregnant with Caleb) and I found out I was having a boy. I cried and realized that what I really wanted was just my girls.

So, yes, we still miss them. It is so strange! We didn't even "know them." Emotions and Spirits are so strong! The connection evolves as our family relationships evolve.

BUT! I have made another conclusion this week. There are many layers of healing after you lose a loved one. I believe that I have overcome another layer and that is why I am able to do all that I am doing. I have not gotten outside of my "box" in the last Two Years as much as I have in the last two Weeks. I am driving again, I am visiting teaching again, I am going to school again, I am willing to make phone calls again... It is refreshing!

We will be able to go to the cemetery for the anniversary of the girls' birth this year. It is always a bitter sweet experience. I will go visit my grandma's grave too. I haven't been since her funeral. I still miss her too... It will be nice to pay a visit... I think.