Still Working On It

I follow a woman's blog who lost a little girl a year ago. She drown in their hot tub. This woman is a wonderful example of faith and hope. Often when I read her blog I come away in deep thought. It allows me to process some of the feelings and experiences that I still have when it comes to the loss of my girls.

It still amazes me that I feel their loss. At the same time it just feels like a very vivid dream. However, there are times when I feel the reality. A couple of weeks ago I got a phone call from a friend. She called to tell me that her niece had just given birth to a set of twin daughters who had the same condition as my girls. They survived. We talked for a little while as I asked some details and she felt eager to share. The problem was my attitude within my heart. As we were talking I grew irritated. I kept wondering why people contact me just to tell me that they know of a set of twins who Survived! Why would I want to know that!? Call me if they died, and I can help, and have something to say. But if they survive, what am I supposed to say!? All the while as these thoughts and feelings are going through my soul I know that I am in the wrong. This is NOT how my Savior would have me react. He wants me to celebrate with this family.

Then I tell Leif, and before I blink an eye he questions my reaction and tells me I should be happy for them. I get ANGRY! He begins to tell me about some feelings that he's had about the girls that week, but I'm too Angry and I hush him saying I don't want to talk about it anymore. But then I realize he was going to share some deep thoughts about the girls (a rare moment) and I am immediately humbled. He really does care about the girls and my feelings... So the humbling begins...

Pride and grief can become frightfully intertwined. It ts vitally important that we recognize this and work to keep them separate. I am still working on it...