Remembering Back: My Girls' First Birthday

I have so many things to write about tonight. I will take a minute and write down a memory.

My dear friend and fellow Angel Baby mama and I were talking yesterday. The one year mark of the birth of her Angel Baby is right around the corner. We talked about what they might do as a family to remember their little one and how she as a mother was unsure of how she would feel that day or what to expect. That afternoon I took a moment and turned back the clock four years and reflected on my girls' first birthday.

I was pregnant with Caleb (around 4 months along.) We set up the BIG ultrasound for that day. The one when you find out if you're having a boy or a girl. We went to the appointment and found out that I was having a little boy. Of course I acted brave, but I really wanted a girl. The day moved forward. I remember that it was a long day. I'm not sure what took up the bulk of the day. But we got home after dark and there on our door step was a flower arrangement for me. I was shocked to find that it was from my dear sister in law. She never fails to remember special events. She remembered my girls. One year after the loss of a baby few people are still thinking about the loss of your baby. They have moved on. It's just part of the journey. But she remembered. The flowers meant so much to me.

I remember feeling so tired that night. I threw myself on the bed and began to think. Of course I don't remember the train of thought. But I do remember the conclusion. I realized (once again) that it wasn't that I didn't want another boy, because I did. The problem was, I Wanted My Girls! I finally let the tears flow that night. The cleansing kind of tears that heal the broken heart.

That was four years ago. When I think about it I am filled with the longing for my girls, yet it feels like a dream at the same time. The love never goes away. In fact, it evolves just like the love for your living children evolves. We are now at a point as a family where the boys are old enough to understand that they have sisters. It's possible that within the next year or two we will begin to make a tradition of remembrance on the girls' birthday. Either way, they are always in my heart. When the lady at the grocery store asks if I have all boys, I smile and the moment always dictates which answer I give. But there is never a second thought in my mind. No, I have three boys and two beautiful little girls.