A Great Laugh to Start Your Day!

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on
 her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is
like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Clifton:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
 commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior, and have been
 forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against
 your husband, Mr. Clifton, are listed below and are documented by
 our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
 them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at
 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail from a jar of brown gravy on the
 floor leading to both the ladies' and men's restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
 official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away." This caused
 the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from
 her  supervisor, that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
 management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the service desk and tried to put a bag of
 M&Ms on layaway.

 6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a
 carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
 told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
 pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty
 children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him
 he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me
 alone?" EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera
 and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting
 department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
 loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12.. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
 "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
 through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud
 speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE
 VOICES
 AGAIN!"


And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
 awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here."
 One of the clerks passed out.