Horrible!

Truth be told, it was a really horrible day today! Except that I have a new baby niece. That was the high light of the day for sure!!

Letting Toddlers Eat in Bed: IS a Choking Hazard!

I've heard the warning dozens of times! In fact, I've probably been tested on it in one college course or another. Question: Should children be allowed to eat in bed? Answer: No. Reality: It is often A LOT easier to just give in and give them the apple they want, tuck them in, and proceed with the evening. Until the reality slaps you in the face! "What's That Sound!?"... Choking!!

Tonight Caleb(4) asked for an apple after I had tucked him back in to bed way too many times to count. Tired of his fussing, I handed him the apple without too much thought or the guilt that has occasionally proceeded the same scenario in the past few years. Apples, crackers, a piece of bread, it's always something. Dinner just never seems to cut it until they fall asleep at night. And we won't even start on the guilt I feel about the whole teeth rotting thing.  My fear has always been the possibility of them choking and me not hearing them when they really need help. But as I have said many times, we often have to learn the hard lessons of life through personal experience. Tonight I learned a lesson.

Luckily Caleb's bedroom door is practically in my bedroom. So when he started gagging I was able to hear him and get to him quickly. But his lips were already blue. I turned him over(head toward the floor) and pounded his back, hoping he wasn't too big for the infant Heimlich. He actually kind of was. It wasn't until I started thrusting his upper stomach area that the perfectly sized piece of apple peel that had blocked his wind pipe finally dislodged itself from way back in his throat and flew out of his mouth. - Way Too Close! I was really shook up.

But you know what Caleb did once he caught his breath? I was scooping him up onto my lap thinking about the potential disaster we had been spared from and all Caleb wanted was the rest of his apple. SERIOUSLY!?  Needless to say I held him and visited with him as he finished his apple. It will be a really hard habit to break in our home, but my kids won't be taking any food to bed with them anymore! - Lesson Learned!

Things Definitely Got Better!

If you read my previous post you read that I have obviously had some fatigue I'm fighting. But what's new, right?:) Well, the good news is that I did find several really good hours of great energy. So my house isn't a disaster and everything is sanitized. Yippee!!

But the best part of the story is that Leif surprised me and ended up coming home for the last couple of days. We were able to finish up and start on a few more projects and just have an all around good time. Lately he's been coming home in the middle of the week. So I've often had him all to myself (enter, evil laugh;)No, really it's just been so nice to have those few hours together while the kids are in school. Lovely!

So, now he's back in Flag preparing for a midterm and taking care of a few loose strings on our home front and he has no stress at all... Not! Some how we can't ever really get too far away from it all. But I'm truly grateful for the days and moments when we seem to be able to shut it out for a little while.

I have some really great photos of life and all of its smiles throughout August and September. That is my goal for tomorrow, to post them. So stop by again soon to catch a good glimpse into our fun and funnies!

I'll Sleep Instead

I have Dishes to wash
Rooms to clean a
Bathroom to Clean and
the House to put back together:

But I'm really going to sleep. Nice. You might not want to drop in for a visit today. But hopefully tomorrow!

The Weekend... Lovely Weekends!

We sure enjoy our weekends these days! I am so grateful for family and the blessing they are, especially during this time in our lives.

The kids are outside playing, playing, playing! I'm especially tired today. I've tried really hard to keep moving. But I think I'm to the point of requiring a nap. So, I thought I'd say hello now since I won't be able to later (bedtime's too crazy here.) And now I'm off for a little snooze. (I hope!)

Coming Along: How I'm Coping With My Husband Being Away

How do I Cope? 
M&M's! Lot's of M&M's! NO, Just Kidding!!!

Leif has lived away at school now for four months. I thought I would never get used to him being away. Let me clarify one thing before going on, the loneliness never really goes away. And you can't mark these words later when I have a rough patch in the upcoming road. But, I will say that I have come along in this journey to a point where I can enjoy the moment of our short visits for the joy that they are without coming unglued when he has to leave again. How have I come to this point?

I've noticed that I have started consciously stopping my heart and mind from wandering too far into a pity-party before I fall in too deep. When the loneliness tries to creep in or I start to dread parenting without his help before he even leaves, or just after he has left, I force myself to refocus my attention on the fact that we've all survived this long with plenty of good things along the way. We can continue on. I just don't let myself think or feel too emotionally about it all. I think this saves me. It's taken time. But it has come.

Leif left this afternoon and we had had a wonderful two days together. He was walking down the stairs to go and I told him that I had had a great time. He looked up at me with a little grin and gave the classic reply of  "I did too! We'll have to do this again sometime." Just like the good ol' days of anticipating the next date, except there are no restrictions when you date your husband ;).

We have been blessed! Even though it is hard a lot of the time. I am grateful for the help that I have received in so many ways. It feels good to recognize that the pity-parties are fewer and further apart lately. We're coming along.

Heaven is Just Being Together

Ahhh, heavenly!  It's been a long time since Leif and I have sprawled out on our stomachs, side by side, boys in bed, and cruised the internet together. Each just enjoying the moment and sharing bits and pieces of whatever we're looking at. Sounds so romantic doesn't it!:) *wink* *wink*

Leif came home yesterday afternoon and will leave again tomorrow. But we've had such a great time together and as a family during the short but sweet visit. I think we're finally learning how to handle the coming and going. Well, I have. Caleb on the other hand has just recently showed more visible signs of anxiety. Poor guy.  But that's for another post.

This visit we've been able to share a fun family pizza dinner night and then a great movie and ice cream night for Leif and I. Then, this morning we all got out the door for school on time since we had Leif's help. After we dropped the kids off for school Leif and I started the big project of painting and fixing up my/our bedroom. And we got A Lot done! I am so thrilled! I still have some finishing touches that I hope to get done. But I'm really happy with everything so far.:) AND THEN Grandma and Grandpa watched the boys tonight so Leif and I could go out for a real date. We had a wonderful dinner and visit. And that brings us to where this post all began. Leif and I together. Yes, that will be one of the best things about heaven for me. Leif and I together.

Rough Day - Turned Good

This morning my alarm went off around 6:15AM. There was not a chance that I was climbing out of bed at that hour, no matter how bad I needed an uninterrupted shower. Before I knew it the clock was saying 7:00. Jakob's supposed to be out the door by 7:30. No one in the house was stirring. Not even Caleb who was out cold next to me in my snug warm bed... Time to make an executive decision: We were sleeping in. After all, we had a busy weekend.:)

Jakob finally woke me up around 7:45. He was very confused by my decision. I tried to play it down. I know, I'm TERRIBLE! But anyway, I thought since I had made the boys late for school AND breakfast I would make breakfast burritos. While I was making breakfast and the boys were "getting dressed" AKA "wrestling." I noticed that Caleb had a deep bronchial cough.wheezing. Then I noticed he was a little warm (after he cooled off from wrestling.) I decided to be "responsible" and keep him home from school.

By this time it was almost 8:30 and Jakob realized how late he was going to be for his "Morning Work" portion of class. He was distraught and by now I was Exhausted again (seriously ridiculous!) I finally got everyone in the van and Jakob to school. Luckily he had chilled out a little bit and was able to compose himself and go to class (turned out his teacher this year is A LOT more laid back about tardy's than last year, THANK YOU!!!)

So, I walked into my house after dropping Jakob off and it seriously looked like a bomb had gone off, or maybe a toy-filled cannon at least. Wow! I had so much to do and I simply could NOT get the strength to do anything. Nothing. I was even struggling to focas my vision enough to lay down to read. Not to mention that I had y sweet high-maintenance Caleb home who HAD to have my help and attention every five minutes. By 10:00 I couldn't stay awake another minute. I put JJ in his crib (he was ready for his nap as usual.) And I really thought Caleb might fall asleep too. No Luck! I tried and tried to be nice and help him to just find a way to play or sleep quietly so I could get some sleep. It just wasn't happening:( So unfortunately I had to just close his door and lock it (yes, I occasionally lock my kids doors. That's what you do when you're bedroom doesn't have a door to lock.) Anyway, I put in earplugs and fell into a fit full sleep. Eventually Caleb fell asleep. But he did scream the last part of my nap because I had a nightmare that I was trying to take care of my kids that were screaming but my head was pounding and I couldn't get my ears to hear clearly. Finally I pulled myself out of the dream and opened Caleb's door. However, I could Not wake up. I managed to drag myself to my lap top and put on his favorite Netflix (Might Machines.) And I fell back into bed. Around 1:30 I finally started to come out of the fog I was in. But I felt like a dead weight. I needed food and medicine. My body hurt all over. But honestly, I couldn't make myself get up (I kept praying for strength) until JJ started chattering and calling out "Maaama, Where are yooou!" How could I not get up for that!? My sweet little buddy!

Before JJ went down for nap he Really wanted a marshmallow. I told him he had to wait until after nap. So the first thing out of his mouth as I got him out of bed was ""Marshmallow!" That motivated me to make rice krispie treats. After all, I needed to eat, right!? They were a yummy treat. But even after eating plenty of them I still couldn't get going with cleaning up. It is really hard on days like this!!!

Well, 2:45P rolled around and I loaded the boys into the van and we picked up Jakob from school. By 3:30 I knew I was in BIG trouble. I had four more hours and all three boys at home. I had a disaster surrounding me and Leif is scheduled to be home tomorrow afternoon. I REALLY wanted to have the house clean and the toys organized and de-junked when he got home so we can jump into bigger projects. But I Could Not get up to do more then absolutely necessary. I finally resorted to caffeine.  On my rough days I sometimes sip a Crystal Light Energy and one 20oz can last me two days. Today I drank the whole thing in the last four hours of the day. And mercifully, the boys and I were able to get the house put together, dinner eaten and cleaned up, and scripture and prayer with Papa over Skype. I am SO grateful!!

Tomorrow I will Hopefully (and most likely) take both boys to school on time. I am hoping to get the toys sorted through and half of them boxed up, and the floors vacuumed, all before Leif gets home. Wish me Luck!!:)...

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jig!

Well, we're home and very Tired!! Very Tired. But only because we had a great weekend!

Honesty: You Better Believe It!

This YouTube/Mormon Message felt very close to home for the kids and I as we watched it together. We could relate well to the wife and her three children who were telling the story about their good father. May we all have such integrity, courage, and devotion!

Good Times!

Good Times! We have had a wonderful weekend! I feel very tired. But content. Content for me is very unusual and such a good feeling. The kids have played all day without watching any movies or Netflix. Although, they are watching Night at the Museum at the moment. I put on a DVD for them so I could take a bath. Another very nice thing.

This afternoon just as I was feeling the desperate need for a nap my brother in law came home from work and offered to take Jakob and Caleb out to the hills to cut wood for the winter.  They ended up having a great time and JJ and I got in a good nap.

:):) Have I ever mentioned that one of my favorite sounds is the sound of my children laughing :):) -It's a funny movie.

Well, I made cookies and had people to visit with and space to send my kids throughout the day. So I feel blessed.:) It's time for bed. I am so very grateful for these weekend breaks. But I did still find myself busy the entire day feeding - cleaning up - feeding -cleaning up- refereeing - feeding - ... Well, you get the picture. And you know the feeling. Someday I do hope for a getaway that lasts long enough for me to sleep, eat, and work on hobbies uninterrupted long enough for me to ... to what? Feel content? Didn't I just say I was content... Hmmm? That's what I get for thinking too deeply.

All is well. Leif is doing well in school. We are being taken care of. I get to go home this week and work on remodeling my bedroom. At the moment I have decided on the paint colors Desert Rose and an accent color of something like a cranberry. I guess if I have to look on the bright side of having Leif gone, it's that I can paint our bedroom in a pink tone and he's okay with it:)

Well, It's time to say goodnight. :)

It's the Weekend: Time to Get Away!

I have become very grateful for my husbands family. Especially during this time when Leif is away. Up until recently Leif was often able come home for visits on the weekends. Now he is working/training at the hospital on Friday and Saturday. So this has left the weekends up to me, alone with the kids. Let's just say it only took one Friday to realize that this wasn't going to work at all!! My husband's good brother and his good wife live an hour north of us in a beautiful small community in the valleys between two National Parks. Their home feels very much like heaven might feel to me. It is filled with love and so much beauty not only in their home but surrounding their home. The air often sells of Cedar or Lilacs. Okay, sometimes it smells like farm animals too:) But that's what being out in nature is all about. Natural.:)

Anyway- These good friends (family) of ours have agreed to let the kids and I pretty much move in with them on the weekends. I Love it! The boys Love it! And I hope/think they enjoy us most of the time as well. :) I feel abundantly blessed!

I have decided that my sweet boys are wonderful road trip companions (90%) of the time. I am also very grateful for this!!

I am now being serenaded by the melodious sounds of my sweet little rascles all breathing deeply or mumbling   every so often as they journey through dreamland. I think I will follow their lead and call it a day as well. I felt strength today. I needed it and I am so grateful for it! Thank you all for your love and support, by the way! It means a lot to me!

Another Day - Not Too Bad

Music! There is a power in music that reaches the soul. I know, that's not an original thought. But none the less, it is very true. However it's our choice whether the music is healing or depleting. At the moment I'm listening to "Mayberry" by Rascal Flatts. I Love a song with a story. I love it even more when I can relate to it's story. I have to consciously choose what music I listen to at different times in my life, month, week, day, hour. Music is that powerful for me. Now I'm listening to "This Everyday Love" again by Rascal Flatts. Now this is a song that puts words to my love and life with Leif. It's hard to find the words to explain a happy marriage sometimes. This song brings out the simplicity of the truth. Nice!

Okay, so my day... Well, we made it out the door this morning and Caleb only insisted on one clothes change before we walked into his school. Don't worry, I wouldn't put up with two... I don't think. Sometimes these days it's just easier to change the shirt, shorts, pants, socks, well you get the pictures. The fight can be more draining then the multiple changes. We're surviving though. Caleb loves school. He struggles with seperation anxiety a little more then normal which is hard. If I was feeling well I probably would give in and keep him home. But I know he is in a really good place and he would be miserable if he was at home. They take good care of him and I try to stay in touch with the teachers. Jakob is doing really well in school as well. I am personally thrilled by the fact that his homework load is light this year. This is a huge blessing for our family this year! He is able to finish it at the library after school while I pick up Caleb and update with his teachers. Then we can just have free family time until bedtime. Love It!!

My goals today were to take the van in for maintenance: Check!  Load the dish washer: Check!
The rest of the day I napped. I chose a color or two to repaint my bedroom. Found weathered wood out i the yard to make a DIY headboard (way excited about this!) and I bought latex stain for the outside stairs. I fed the kids (chili over corn chips) So nutritious, I know! Last night was cereal, bananas, and yogurt. Lovely! Caleb whined for salad tonight at dinner! Where did I get these kids anyway!?;)

I felt Extremely strange today. At one point I told Leif I felt like I was on speed (not that I have a clue how that really feels:) Yet, my body felt SO Very Tired! It's the strangest feeling. The "speed" feeling comes from a medication I take and the Crystal Light Energy I drink sometimes when I have to do a little more then the norm (like leave the house more then to take and gather children.)

So now it's 10:20 and I really need to get to sleep. Leif and I dedicated and listened to a few love songs together for our "date night" tonight. We've been dedicating songs to each other and posting them on our "Love Letters Along the Way" blog. We've got a great list of songs that fit us just right so far. Leif worked on making them in to a CD for me today. I can't wait to listen to it and raise my boys to jam out to sappy love songs:) Especially when they tell them the story of their parents love for each other.

Speaking of Love,  I can't believe I almost forgot to mention this!!: Guess what I got in the mail today!?
Do you remember this from one of my recent posts? YeP! My Love surprised me with this sweet clock today!:) It's hanging in our living room and Jakob's first comment was that it reminds him of our family (silly and wild.) I completely agree! Thank you My Love!!

Smiles and Not, And Fun Up Ahead!

Do you think it might be a little counter productive to have the A/C going on one side of the house and the Heater going on the other? Yeah, I don't think I would be considered very "green.":) September is the month when we're trying to acclimate from being constantly hot to being cold. So I just try to find a happy medium... :) Just Kidding. I just realized what had happened and thought I'd write about it.:)

Tonight as Leif and I visited over Skype we were just about to say goodnight and pray together when I said "so does my face look like I've gained weight?" :)  Leif was smart and just gave me a half smile in silence and I was smart and changed the subject.:) Some things just don't need to be said!

You know, I could end there and you might all think that my day has been full of witty smiles:) So... Maybe I should.:) Naaa, I'll be honest and tell you the whole truth. I got a lot done this morning and afternoon. My goal was to sift through the mounds of clothes that I had piled in my closet and organize for the winter and Goodwill. I reached that goal today. But it must have come at a cost. Because I was not at my best this afternoon with the kids. I feel so bad on days like this. But I'm still kinda bugged too. Jakob was Really pushing my buttons today! And Caleb's whine!! Uggg! But the day is over now, right?? Thank Heavens!  I'm praying for a better mood and energy tomorrow. Tonight my head was so heavy...

Let's end this on a good note, shall we? Well, I "calendared" with my dear Mother-in-Law this afternoon and she has agreed to watch the boys for us for a few nights in November so I can go to Flagstaff. Technically, I am scheduled to be in a meeting all day one of those days for the Head Start program (I am our representative here in Fredonia.) But that means that my travel, food, and hotel will be paid for during part of my stay. AND, it just happens to be scheduled on November 7th and 8th. I Really wanted to be with Leif on Election Day, which just happens to be November 6th. So Yippee for a fun few days with my hubby in the future!! Something great to look forward to!

It's All a Matter of Perspective

I've been reading an amazing blog journal written by a medical professional in Japan who was called to help the victims of the earthquake and tsunami in 2011. I haven't finished reading her whole journey yet. But I decided to finish for tonight and write. She wrote about the terrible, unimaginable struggles that the people faced and how hard they were. But she seemed to have the underlining current of hope for a brighter moment or day ahead. I finished tonight with a story about a woman who gave birth to a healthy baby among the chaos and heartache. She talked about the hope the baby brought for their future and the ray of sunshine the baby brought into the hospital. It hit me that almost everything around us and our interpretation is all a matter of choice and perspective. This woman chose to allow the birth of this baby to bring her light. She could have chosen to dwell on the hardships that the baby was about to face in its upcoming days ahead. She chose to see God even amidst the storm. It's all a matter of perspective.

The boys and I were headed to our van this evening after a Cub Scout Pack Meeting. Within seconds my boys were running as fast as their legs could carry them along the sidewalk, into the parking lot, and finally to the van. My first instinct was to call out to them to slow down and walk in order to avoid face planting to the ground on their way or worse, bolting out in front of a car. But just as I was opening my mouth, it hit me. "Let them run, you just take in the memory." And so I did. I watched them chase each other in the Autumn dusk. the sun setting off to the distance. Jakob taking the lead, with Caleb in toe, and JJ trailing not far off in the distance. Their laughter ripples in the evening breeze. Caleb falls, just as I had predicted and Jakob calls out to him "You're Okay!" Caleb jumps up as if Jakob's word can never be wrong. And there I see it. The beauty of my life set out right before me. It's all a matter of perspective.  Thank you Father!

It Is Time to Share

I think it's amazing that during the two most difficult times in my life (so far) -the loss of my twins and Leif being away at school-, I have written very little. This is a sad reality because there is so much to share and so many lessons learned. These are the times when the roots of empathy for other's struggles have been established in my own life. I am going to try harder to write more. To share more. Even if the posts aren't all cheerful. In fact, many of them might be abstract and melancholy. If this ends up happening, they will only prove the truth. Some of them will be deep and lonely. Some of them will be short and sweet smiles. Either way, they will be me.

So much is happening in my life right now. So much is happening within my body right now. I have finally admitted to myself and to my close family members, and now to you, that I am in a strange state of depression. An illness and stress induced depression. We know that there are contributing factors to the problem. We just haven't pin-pointed exactly all of them. Nor have we found the right doctors to help eliminate the antagonists. I pray that we will find each other soon.

So, there it is. I have told my readers many many of my health issues over the years. Including many that have led me to where I am today. But this is one of the most uncomfortable to discuss. It's deep and personal. It has multiple faces, names, and personalities. None of which are very pretty. This is one of the reasons that I don't write very often. It's just not a very fun subject. But I need to write. I need to challenge my mind and my heart to find a balance and the words to the feelings. I need to sift through the fog to find the reality verses the adversary. So I am going to force myself to write every night. You're in for some very interesting reading, I'm sure!:)  A pendulum of emotion and stories. It is time to share...
-BTW: I Totally Want That Clock!:)-

Missing

Some nights I stay up for hours and hours browsing and rebrowsing the same websites over and over again, as if Im searching for something before I can fall asleep. But I just can't seem to figure out what I'm searching for. So finally I just force myself to shut everything down, take my sleeping meds, and welcome the oblivion that it brings me. Tonight I realized what I'm searching for... or rather, Who...