Happy Birthday to Our Girls

Our girls would have turned 6 years old yesterday. We've missed them this year. Jakob's felt the loss for the first time in his life.. He came to me the other night with tears in his eyes after I had tucked him in to bed and he told me that he missed the twins. He talked about how different and fun it would have been to have them alive. He's right. I think they would have been good friends. That makes them feel more real. Less of a nightmarish dream...

My Sweet Love sent me two presents in the mail today. To let me know he didn't forget. Very Precious gifts, All of them!

NICU Dream - Searching

I had a NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) dream this afternoon during nap time. It felt so real and so Intense! It's been six years this week since my first daughter passed away. My second passed away a couple weeks later. It usually ends up that I have at least one Baby Loss dream each year. This dream was different then any of the others I have had before.

It started with Leif and I on a vacation somewhere. We were waking up and I turned to him and said, "don't you think we should go see the baby?" I was surprised and worried at the fact that we had a baby in the NICU and we weren't right by HIS side. I was suddenly filled with anxiety and an urgency to get to the hospital to see our son. I was filled with a frustration because I didn't feel like Leif was in a hurry to get there.  Suddenly, we were standing in front of Leif's grandparents home in Brigham City. My family was there with us and we were all getting ready to go to the hospital. I realized at that moment that we were going to need a temporary place to live. I turned to Leif and asked him if the house was vacant. He said it was. I broke down sobbing with gratitude for the blessing and Leif just held me. My family headed to the hospital and Leif and I started driving to the hospital as well. However, I was in the back seat of the car and suddenly I realized that the car was driving crazy and Leif was not in the drivers seat. I climbed up front and started to drive and out of my window I could see that there was an accident across the street. Leif had jumped out of the car as an EMT. I was FURIOUS!!!!

We finally made it to the hospital and I was overwhelmed because I couldn't believe we were going through another NICU experience. Everything looked so familiar.  I pulled Leif aside and started listing all that we HAD to do this time to show our faith in God, so he would let our baby live. I was crying as I told him we had to read our scriptures morning and night, pray, and fast. I told him these are things I regret not doing last time. I felt like I needed to convince him that this was important. (I felt such a urgency to get to the baby at this point.) We kept trying to get the nurses to show us where to go. In the mean time we were discussing names Tyson, Joshua, Benjamin, or all of them. Then we found out that my dad had gone in to the baby with Leif's brother Eric and gave the baby a blessing. Again, I was furious. Why hadn't they waited for us!?

FINALLY, we got a nurse to show us where we were supposed to go. But as we were walking someone stepped in between Leif and I and I couldn't see Leif any more. When my view was clear, Leif was nowhere to be seen. He had gone in without me. I was in a panic. I couldn't find my way around no matter how I tried or who I asked. All the while I just felt so confused and a longing to simply get to my baby...

I never found Leif or my baby. When I was wound up enough in my dream my mind kept telling me that I was dreaming and I just needed to wake up. I kept trying and trying to wake up, knowing that in real life I needed to wake up and pick up Jakob and Caleb from school. Finally, the phone rang in my real world and I was pulled awake.. . Leif was calling to give me Jakob's MRI results.

It was a very tale-telling dream. One that dug deep into my mind and heart...

Thank You's Are In Order!

Jakob and I drove home from Flagstaff Saturday afternoon. I had such a wonderful time in Flagstaff with Leif.  It was so nice to catch some quality R&R! I was also able to go to a NACDAB (Northeren Arizona Child Development Administrating Board) meeting. This was the first in my year-long term. I really enjoyed being among fellow Head Start parents with similar goals and concerns. It was nice to get my brain working on other things for a minute. Leif and I were also able to stay in the new house that he's renting in. It is going to be a wonderful change! Jakob drove to Flag on Friday with the Fredonia Swim Team (Thank You Team!) to meet up with us for his MRI. It was fun to have a little quality time with him. His MRI was at 8PM. I gave him a melatonin before we left for the appointment. He fell asleep in the lobby while waiting for the tech to bring him back. Apparently he slept like a rock through the entire one hour MRI. THANK HEAVENS!!

A cold front blew in to Fredonia on Sunday. Unfortunately, it's kickin' my tail! My bone and joint pain sky rocketed. It's no fun. I could go on, but I've decided to just get to the point. Over these last two days I have been struggling. But I have been blessed! Sunday night we had a visit from a dear family in our ward. They came to bring us a treat and a hello. I felt so grateful for their visit and gift. And THEN, yesterday night another dear friend stopped by just to say hello and to bring me an AMAZING piece of her home made Mint Chocolate Silk Pie! SERIOUSLY!! It was so tasty and exactly what I needed at just the right time!! Thank you Dear Father for sending me dear friends to lift me up when I am low!!

These good friends as well as others helped watch my little Munchkins while I was in Flagstaff. I just want to send out a THANK YOU for that as well!!

There is a scripture in Malachi 3:8 that tells explains the reason for our many blessings over these past couple of weeks. Paying our tithing this month was a complete step of faith. Father did not let us down! He truly proved to us that he will follow through with his promises as we obey his commandments in faith! Thank You Father!

" 10 Bring ye all the ^atithes into the storehouse, that there may be^bmeat in mine house, and ^cprove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not ^dopen you the ^ewindows of heaven, and pour you out a ^fblessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.

 11 And I will ^arebuke the ^bdevourer for your sakes, and he shall not destroy the fruits of your ground; neither shall your vine cast her fruit before the time in the field, saith the Lord of hosts."

Time With My Favorite Person + Such Great News!

I have been looking forward to this week for a while. Tuesday I drove ALONE to Flagstaff for a Head Start conference. Conveniently, my hotel and all expenses are paid for. So Leif and I have been able to make it a little much needed get-away with each other. And believe me, it has been wonderful!

As you may have noted we were in Flagstaff last week with the kids taking Jakob to doctors appointments. Within the hour that I left Flag with the kids I posted a short ad on Craigslist. I simply said that we needed a place for Leif to live Full Time that allowed myself and the kids to stay when we needed to come in to Flagstaff. I said our small budget and very briefly mentioned that we would be coming often for medical appointments for our son.  My faith was being tested at the moment, and I am sad to say that I didn't think anyone would respond, let alone the RIGHT person. Well, guess what!? He did! We have been blessed!

Leif and I went to meet with a man that has a very nice four bedroom furnished house. He rents out three of the bedrooms and the fourth is a guest bedroom! Seriously! And the rent is very very reasonable! He (and the house mates) have agreed to let myself and the kids use the guest bedroom when we come in to town. We could not feel more blessed!!

I know that prayers are heard. It is very hard to wait for the answers to come sometimes. But I know that they do come!

Great Memories! St. George and Flagstaff Trips

Uncle Dave (who struggles with health problems) found added strength and took my boys under his wings while we were visiting and made sure they played their little hearts out. They loved this!

ST. GEORGE:
JJ felt peace while at Aunt Joann's and Uncle Dave's house. He slept in his pack and play crib all three nights without waking up screaming. This is a huge deal and a  blessing. It also helped me recognize that he had accepted the crib and would sleep in it while at other places. This was a blessing in Flagstaff as well!

Uncle Dave (who struggles with health problems) found added strength and took my boys under his wings while we were visiting and made sure they played their little hearts out. They loved this!

The boys felt right at home with Aunt Joann and she helped me keep the boys in line with their manners and obedience. I had asked for her help and she reminded me and showed me a few great but simple tips. Another great blessing!

We went to a little pond and fed the ducks and over to the main street park and let the boys play in the waterway. We all had a great time! We even worked up enough appitite in the boys that they finished all of their dinner (pasta) and asked for seconds! This was an accomplishment this trip!

I enjoyed my evenings soaking in a hot bath and reading while on this trip. This helped me a lot to unwind and prepare for the next day.

This was the first General Conference that we have ever had without Leif. I was so grateful for Joann and Dave's help and company. We all still missed Papa a lot and our General Conference traditions. I felt bad for Jakob when he told me that he could tell that he hadn't had a "normal" conference experience. Although, I know that this was a lot better then it would have been had we been completely alone and cooped up in our house the whole weekend.

I felt so blessed as I traveled and navigated through St. George. I felt very little fear. This is a huge blessing for me. One I am truly grateful for!!

FLAGSTAFF:
We ended up staying in a nice hotel for three nights this trip. We had only planned on one night. But I am grateful for the time we had together. We felt blessed to be able to meet with a pediatrician AND a bone and joint specialist while we were there. They got us in without a wait. It was Amazing! They even rushed the insurance approval for the MRI that they ordered for Jakob. It would have been perfect if the MRI department had an opening while we were there. Unfortunately they didn't. So we have to go back. But in between all of the appointments and some stress we:

Went to the park by Papa's house and let the kids play. I insisted on a photo opp in front of a beautiful red leaved tree. The fall colors were beautiful!!
 
We also went to Thorpe park and had a picnic and played with the kids. Jakob found a boy his age and they ended up throwing a football together for a while. We always seem to find one or two new friends when we go to Flag. It makes me sad that we can't stay in touch and let the kids get to know each other. But it's still a fun highlight of the trips.

During one of the dinners at the hotel we met a neat family from Phoenix. Caleb opened up the door of conversation by telling the dad of the family that he loved him. This is a sweet character trait of Caleb's. He is very loving and out going. We had a nice visit with the family and again, I wished we could stay in touch. Luckily, we live in a day in age where we have Facebook and we've already "Friended" each other:)

A trip to Flagstaff wouldn't be complete for us without a trip to Bookman's. This is a second hand bookstore that feels more like a Barnes n' Noble then a Goodwill. We all love choosing a new book!!

Our last evening together the Vice President Debate was scheduled. Leif and I made a date of it and we endured Biden's mocking words and body language towards Ryan throughout the evening. Don't even get me started with politics. We'll just move on. That night Leif and I finally watched the movie Avengers. It was fun.

One of the funnier behind the scenes of our hotel stay was the fact that the suite that we stayed in had two rooms (yippee!!) But one room had both nice queen beds and the other room had a pull out couch. Leif and I pulled the heavy nice mattress out to the couch and switched the mattresses.:) That way all of the boys could be in their own beds (less fighting and wrestling) and Leif and I had our our room WITH a nice bed!:)

Overall we had a great trip. We hit some bad weather coming home. And I'm always teary eyed as I drive out of Flagstaff. But once I work through my emotions I am able to enjoy my fun boys while they're strapped in seat belts and immobile. Half the trip they watch a movie and the other half we usually end up talking and listening to music. Caleb likes to help me look out for the storm clouds. What would I do without them!?

Running Home

My kid's are starting to feel like traveling gypsies. Jakob swears he's only slept in his own bed once this month. He might be right. Well, not quite. But it seems like it to him. Poor kids. Lucky for them I've taken them to places and people whom they love.  We've stayed in Alton, St. George, and Flagstaff this month. 

Of course there are "reasons" for the visits and road trips. A need for company, shopping, general conference, doctor's appointments, etc. But along with those surface needs and requirements, the deep down truth is that I'm just running - searching. I'm running even though I am utterly exhausted. 

I just hate doing all of this every day-all day- alone. I just can't believe there isn't a better way. I should be stronger. More supportive. Less whiny. Grateful. Content.  -And sometimes I am.- 

But tonight I just want to run. Run to a home that fits all of us together. A home that fits within our budget. A home... together. Why is that so out of reach? Why is that so wrong?

Did You Know?

Did you know that Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is supposed to be 4 servings worth!? Seriously! That is just rude!:) I think I deserve to eat the whole thing without feeling guilty tonight. Okay, it looks like I ate 3 servings worth. That spares me some of the guilt:)

Oh Wow! -Sigh- This month is such a tender one for me out of all of the months of the year. And the memories start to creep in and have dates and events to compare with starting right about now....  I flew back from a two week stay in a Seattle hospital 6 years ago this week. My body was threatening to miscarry my twins at any moment. We were just buying time however we could.

This weekend is General Conference for our church. It is held this particular weekend every October and April. I was admitted into the Maternal Fetal Medicine floor of the LDS Hospital in Salt Lake City during the afternoon session on Saturday's General Conference. I just knew that I needed their help. Little did we know what was ahead. Six weeks in that hospital room. It was a long journey. One that we refer to often as a defining moment in our lives.

I often wonder what it would have been like to have 5 kids under the age of 8 years old. When I fill out a form with my kids' ages, not a single time goes by when I don't think about the fact that the (6) in age line up is missing. If they would have lived it would read 2, 4, 6, and 8 years old. But instead I write 2, 4, and 8 years old. That's a big gap. It's difficult sometimes. I think Jakob would have enjoyed having his little sisters. Most of his best friends are the little girls who are exactly my girls' age. For the last couple of years I've pondered the idea of getting all of those sweet girls, whom I just happen to adore, and having a little girl party in celebration of my girls... But then I decide it's probably not the best idea. Some things are just best left alone. So instead, I cherish the moments that I do get to spend with those little girls and try not to think too hard on what could have been. Try is the key word there...

I'm preparing for General Conference weekend.  If you know my family very well, you know that General Conference is a big deal in our family traditions. This year I've really struggled! I feel bad, but I haven't even looked at the possible activities and packets for this year that are available on the internet. I'm just sad that Leif won't be with us. It's really hard trying to take care of the kids on my own. Really Hard! Especially during a conference session, or four. I've been trying to figure out how to find this weekend enjoyable and I finally had the thought that we could go to my aunt and uncle's house in St. George and spend the weekend with them. I'm looking forward to visiting with them. So here's hoping for a good weekend filled with inspiration on love. Heaven knows I could use the boost right about now! All will be well, I know!

That's More Like It!

Yesterday was a really hard day. I'm happy to say today was a lot better! I was able spend some time this morning in Caleb's Head Start class. Then JJ and I came home and I was finally able t sit down to luch and make a call to my sister.  I cherish her friendship! After lunch JJ and I took a nap and then we ran (ok, drove;) in to town to do a few errands after we were rested up. On my way home I was able to stop by to visit a friend who is moving into a new home. I was able to stay for a while and help her unpack some boxes. This was a great blessing for me! While there my dear Mother in Law called to tell me that she had surprised Caleb and picked him up from school:) That meant the boys wouldn't let her get away for a few hours after school. Which meant I was able to tackle my kitchen and make dinner without the kids under foot. By this point I was utterly exhausted! But my prayers were answered and I was blessed with a second-wind. I was able to get all of the boys showered and fed in time for a great Family Home Evening on Skype with Grandma and Grandpa Hunt. This was the first time we've done this and it was a Great Success! Thanks to Grandpa Hunt who prepared a great age-appropriate lesson, including pictures, on Loving Others and Service, and Grandma for sharing her thoughts and feelings along with Grandpa. The boys ended up really enjoying their time visiting and Jakob delighted all of us by closing the FHE by reading a Hunt family  favorite called "The Monster at the End of this Book."  Overall it was a good a day and I am so grateful for the love and support that I am blessed with every day!