There has to be a science and reasoning why some people stay really dedicated to certain things for a long time and then suddenly just stop. Is it trend? Psychology? Validation or the lack thereof? Bigger and Better things to distract? Or all of the above. For me, I would say all of these reasons have played a roll in why I have fallen off of the blogging band wagon. However, I would say the absolute biggest reason is simply a lack of energy. Energy?you say. Yes, energy. For me, blogging requires energy of mind and body and many days I just don't have a single drop left to give. And it's sad. Because writing is therapy for me. Writing is the way I remember things. If I haven't written about it, chances are the memory isn't very clear anymore. Sad, but true. Gratefully I had blogging energy through much of my boys' babyhood years. And even more gratefully, I anticipate a surge of returned energy right around the corner.
I have said this before, and I will say it again. There are two years of my married life that are filled with more fog and silence then the other handful of years filled with written word. The two years filled with more growth and wisdom gained then any other years of my life. The two hardest and loneliest years of my married life so far. Both were filled with loss of innocence. Both taught me that hard can get harder and the best isn't always going to be so. And both years have taught me that one day, the light does return. One day, you will be pulling out of the driveway to go somewhere and the realization will hit you that the cloud isn't so thick anymore. The load isn't so heavy. The impossible feels more possible. There is Light. And that feeling is life changing. Strong enough to hold a place in my memories to get me through the next hard time. Because now I know that there will always be hard times ahead.
It's the living through them, and in between them without fearing what's around the bend that becomes the challenge for those of us who know hard times.
Right now the clouds seem pretty thick and the load really heavy. Right now I just have a few Must Do's on my list of To Do's every week. They are as follows:
1. Make sure there are clean clothes every morning.
2. Make sure there are clean dishes to eat on every night.
3. Make sure everyone showers.
4. Make sure that everyone eats.
5. Make sure everyone sleeps.
6. Make sure the boys get to school.
7. Make sure the boys get home from school.
I have told myself that as long as these seven things happen throughout the week then we will all survive until my other-half returns to the Home Front. In fact, if life were just filled with these seven things all would probably go quite smoothly. But the added inconveniences like eye infections, puking, ER visits, and shattered moon roofs, seem to really throw things off. It's really a pain! Is it really a wonder that depression sets in deeper in the winter time? Not really. In the spring and summer time life's sudden turns don't seem as dramatic. It's not freezing outside when you try to muster the motivation to take the clan to the eye doctor. And the shattered moon roof can be put off for a while without the fear of total destruction from rain, snow, and melting ice. Actually, we don't even have to deal with eye infections and puking in the summer time! Not very often anyway. Why don't I live in Arizona where it's always warm!? Oh wait, I do, right!? Okay, Hawaii then. I should just move back to Hawaii. I mean, they've finished that road across the Pacific by now, I'm sure of it. We can just drive to the islands. I'm sure of it!!;) Okay, Okay. I'll stop with the stupid jokes:) But hey, they made me smile and these days, smiles are of great value!
So, here we are. Almost exactly one month away from Leif's return home. I'm downing my Crystal Light Energy drink in hopes that my head can stay clear and my body strong enough to get through the last few hours of the day. Jakob's at Scouts (Bless his dear leader's heart!!) Caleb's at Grandma's (Again, Praise Be for the Angel next door!) JJ's balancing on the 4 inches atop the couch as he watches Little Einsteins, repeating what they say. And Leif is working like a dog in a far off place to become a nurse. Soon, Jakob will be home. I'll throw the frozen pizza in the oven and try to convince Caleb to come home and eat. We'll try to eat at the table and the boys will argue for the couch and a movie (History Channel's "Dogfights"", no doubt). We'll finish movies at 6:45 and I'll wrangle the boys to their rooms and they'll finally settle down and sleep around 7:30. Usually by then I call Leif and reward myself with some chocolate and force myself to go to sleep by 9:30. Tonight, Leif gets to go bowling with his classmates. So I am going to stay up and watch the TV series BONES. A new favorite thanks to my sister:) - And tomorrow will be a new day.
