October's Hidden Shadow: Our Girls Would Be Seven This Month

Seven Years! Seven Years!
One moment - One year - seven years ago this month,  changed my entire being forever. In 2006 I experienced an early pregnancy miscarriage. A few months later we discovered that I was pregnant with twins. We knew them through ultrasound and maternal connection for six months. After a long journey and struggle, our babies passed away. LeOra passed while in utero and Rhea passed nine days after her birth from complications of Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome.

Every year during the month of October the shadow of their loss and the grief that accompanies it seems stronger. Every year has felt different but it is still there. I remember how all consuming the grief was in the beginning. It was that way for a long time. And now it just comes in waves. And sometimes at the most random and annoying times. At the bookstore as I search for books all about the strategies of war for my boys and I come face to face with an American Girls display. Or at Costco when all I need is to sit in their comfy couches on display for a quick rest and it just Has to be  facing the racks of frilly Easter dresses that I'll never get to buy.

In the beginning I mourned the loss of what I had with my girls. The feeling of carrying them within me. The loss of the connection and the babies I would never hold. I often wondered if they would always be "our Babies."  But they aren't. They have grown just as the other kids have grown. And now most of the sorrow comes at the thought of the time that we have missed and the life experiences that we haven't shared together.

The loss of a child is profound and powerful. I visited with a friend this month who is in her 80's. I was reminded of a Mother's Heart and it's power when she shared the story about the loss of one of her first children. She spoke of the experience as if it had recently happened. In reality she had gone on to bare ten children and a lifetime had passed. But her Mother Heart still aches for that little baby she was never able to care for in this life. There is a shadow that follows a mother who has lost one of her children. In time it becomes clearer. Easier to see through and manage life despite its constant presence. But the Mother Heart Never Forgets the child she is waiting to hold in her arms again.

Oh, So Beautiful!

This morning started with a bang. For real. Jakob led the boys into my room as the alarm went off and proceeded to pretend to shoot me with their latest Lego creation. I remember thinking "okay this moment can make or break our morning routine. Just smile, and say good morning."  So I smiled... and then it happened. The words slipped out so quickly I didn't even know they were on their way out. "That's great boys! ... Take it on up stairs so it doesn't get broke, K ..." - WHAM! -  The arm flew out of no where!  And the morning crumbled right along with the creative new Lego gun.  Forget the much needed baths. Forget the much needed clipped nails and underwear changes. Autism had entered the game and it had turned Nasty! Jakob was so beside himself with frustration and anger at everything and anything that I was sweating bullets wondering if I would even get him out the door for the bus. Once one kid falls out of sync they all seem to follow. It's a horrible nightmare. I relinquished all hope and plans for the morning except for the bare minimum (get dressed with shoes) and got them out the door with a few minutes to spare. I seriously thought about sending an email to their teachers to warn them ahead of time. Then I remembered that most of the time Jakob pulls himself together for school. Caleb seemed to be in a good place by the time he got out the door.  So I decided against the email. "NIGHTMARE" that was the word that played over and over in my mind for a few minutes after I got the boys out the door. I even went to Facebook to petition my Friends for more prayers to help me get through the already long day.

And then I looked out my window...  I wish I was an artist and I could paint the scenes that I have surrounding me on a daily basis. The sun was up just far enough to touch the blue of the night sky and turn it into a color all its own. It reminded me of a water color painting where the orange and yellow from the sunrise have blended into the blue sky and created serenity... And I was seeing it in person. How could I not step outside to take it all in?

JJ and I pulled on our boots and headed out for a walk. It didn't take Skit and Billy, our goats, long to call out their desire to join us on our walk. So soon the two of us became four. We walked along the path facing east towards the quickly rising sun. The sounds of chickens and Guinea hens calling out their latest finds off in the distance and the melody of meadow larks flitting from tree to tree above our heads. And then I heard the unexpected meows of our little kitties. I turned my head to look behind us and there was Mama, the Ranch Cat, and three of her kittens prancing along the path not five feet behind us. Once again I found myself in a little piece of heaven. Walking hand in hand with my baby, two goats, and hand full of farm cats, headed out to the rolling fields of green as far as the eye could see. Truly, I was experiencing a touch of Heaven!

I am so grateful for the blessing that we have been given to live here. I still struggle with my health and often with the everyday weight of training our boys up to be good men amidst their unique challenges. But Leif and I are sure that there has been improvement in my overall well being because we live here and are blessed with the opportunity to experience the rare chance to live on a homestead like this. It has been healing for me to care for the animals and their babies and to also watch my own babies grow and spread their wings in ways that they have never been able to do before.

I could not let this night end without sharing the beauty that Father has blessed us with at this time in our lives. Truly, it is oh, so Beautiful!