JULY 2017
What is it about your situation that is so intolerable?
I think at this point the main struggles are the lack of windows and circulation in the basement. Which leads to stagnant smells and must. And upstairs is filled with animal; no matter how hard it is tried to be kept up. Also the bathroom downstairs is feeling very small and bug infested. Also a bitter/sweet thing is that the kitchen is upstairs. So every time food is needed or wanted I have to walk up and down stairs. It has probably helped me not gain weight. Because I don't always want to go up; socially and/or physically. There's also guilt that I can't help keep up the kitchen. I do what I can. There haven't been too much complaining. But the guilt is there. Also I hate that we can't always give them money for rent and living expenses. Again, no complaining from them. But they deserve and need money. It's also getting hard to share food. Our family requires a totally different supply of food then they need.
Is it the remoteness of Alton?
I didn't even get into that in the above question. YES! This is HUGE! Having to make a shopping trip a planned grand event is so hard. The planning and remembering everything is hard too. Also, little things like running to pick things up. Even to the gas station or dollar store it takes over an hour round trip and shopping. But the beauty of the scenery is Outstanding! So I have guilt about this issue too.
Or the closeness of the people you are with?
Luckily, this isn't as huge as it could be. Everyone is just laid back enough that there isn't as much anxiety as there could be. But it is an issue if I get in a funk and I don't want anyone to witness my worst. It's also hard to be involved right in their struggles too at times.
Is home school really an option for you on your own, or just with (my/Karin's) help?
This is a very good question. We are considering traveling with the kids for one more school year before Leif's Nurse Practitioner Residency. I/we all know that I CAN'T pull it off alone. But I'm wondering if we could if the kids had teachers they remotely had to report to and follow? I honestly don't know without trying. But no doubt it's not the easy answer!
How would the commute to Orderville to both drop off and pick up affect your family?
You're right, it's crazy talk! Leif is OK with commuting to work. But commuting the kids to school from Kanab or Fredonia is insanity!
What about the barn in Fredonia?
It's no longer an option until Leif's brother moves out. And we have No Idea when that might happen. And YES, An RV is FAR From realistic at this point. Especially the laundry and food storage.
What about being alone, just living with your family without other adults scares you?
Well, when I was early pregnant, I was scared to be alone because I needed help with the kids. But honestly, at this point, the thought doesn't scare me at all. In fact, sometimes I just long for the bubble or just us. But in reality, I do much better mentally when I have friends and family close by to connect with. But it's not a must.
What is the biggest difference living with another family makes?
The HELP! Food prep, laundry, dishes, tag teaming, babysitting. But it has to be JUST the right dynamic duo. Or it becomes a nightmare.
How does it hurt your family?
I think the fact that the kids and us have to work with a co-parenting situation. Luckily, it's not bad within this current setting. But it's not perfect either.
How does it help or hurt my relationship with Leif?
I think it takes a burden off of Leif's shoulders to know I have help and company all the time. But luckily, he doesn't rely on that fact to take away his responsibilities and role in our relationship!!
FEAR
Am I afraid of being alone with my kids?
I don't really fear being alone with them. I just get feeling guilty because I am boring and lazy.
Afraid of having to do all the meals, laundry, entertaining by myself?
Again, not really a fear as much as a huge overwhelming pressure.
keeping the kids entertained?
HUGE! This is a Huge frustration for me. It makes me tired and sad just thinking about it. Because they are now old enough that they don't expect me to entertain them. So trying to is actually harder then just letting them do their own thing; that isn't always the best use of time.
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How long do I see our next step being?
First, we have the step of waiting for the baby, which is another 2+ months.
Second, we have a school year until Leif starts his Residency.
Third, we have Leif's residency which is three years in the same place.
Is Alton out of the question forever?
I think Alton will now always be on the table as a place to live. Especially, when we can afford our own place. But the more Leif and I talk and he allows himself to accept my shortcomings (depression and melancholia) It looks more and more like we will be moving from Alton in January. But to where and what, is still undecided. the current two choices being mulled around are:
1. Travel Nurse as a family for a school year and try to grow our money reserves.
2. Choose where to settle down for the residency and go there and settle down.
I think I've helped Leif clearly understand that I am TERRIFIED to stay in the basement throughout the entire school year (so the kids get another good year of school) because I fear I will fall into a deep depression and miss out on everything and the joy of the baby. The "healthiest" place for me to live is California or Hawaii. Or probably the gulf coast. Sunshine and Ocean. But we also might go toward family in Missouri.
Do I do OK when living with our little family alone by Leif's job?
My moods still fluctuate, for sure! But if the climate and people are good around us. Then I'm able to work things out. Being in the middle of nowhere in a place like MO. is not a good place for me. I need action and activity to Force me to get up and out of the house.
Do I do better emotionally with the support of another female in the home to share responsibilities?
Yes, for a while. We're going on a year now here. I am now feeling the desire to just go it on my own. But give it a little while and I'll remember the beauty of sharing the load. But not to the point of falling apart usually. Unless I get really sick. But the future health journey is really an unknown right now.
Have you lived so much without Leif that it's easier to have him gone than at home?
With this contract, and being pregnant and "sick" I ABSOLUTELY MISS HIM! But before the pregnancy it was getting easier to have him gone. Especially if he was coming and going in short but long enough intervals to throw off the routine.
Am I replacing my relationship with Leif with those of the other adults in the home?
Luckily, no. He is still the most important and my confidant. However, carrying the load of everyday responsibilities may be a little heavier for my SIL. Although, she does a good job of not taking on more then she can handle. Sometimes I long for more help to keep our space clean.
I need to think more on these questions:
What are my goals for my family?
Where do I hope to be in five years? Ten years?
What do we need to do now to make this a reality?
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