Rocky the Mighty Fighter #fosterkitten

**Caution! This post may have trigger potential for some people. Read with caution.**   Ive slept the entire day. But I know I need to write more of Rocky's story. This is the last video I took of Rocky as I knew he was taking a drastic turn for the worse. I had sent him to the vet the day before because he couldn't poop. But other then that he was what seemed like a healthy, happy, kitten. Who had beat the odds against a terrible respiratory illness. He was even back on the bottle and less tube feeding. They had him hanging out at the vet (not my choice) for six hours. And all they did was an enema. But when I finally got him back, he was Freezing, covered in poop, lethargic, and Not Well. And he never recovered.
Gradually, he was going paralyzed in his neck and throat. And I could hear what I'm guessing was some form of heart failure. His heart was FAST and I could hear fluid building in the lungs and around his heart. Eventually, he was wearing a diaper because even though he previously wasn't able to get any stool out (rectal stricture), he was now a leaky stinky mess on occasion. Praise be for the NICU size human diapers I bought a year ago.
The rescue that he came from is Far from a good rescue (which was reflected in the vets treatment of Rocky.) So I was pretty much on my own through his whole journey. Gratefully, I did meet a sweet friend through this rescue who was a huge support through the entire process!!💗  I was also, in contact with an extremely reputable and highly capable rescue who was hoping to help Rocky through his rectal surgery. Sadly though, after the second day and into that evening I finally accepted that it was Not looking good. But he had tricked me Sooo many times before with his lows, by rallying I wasn't completely sure. But this time it was not to be.
I knew that if it got to this point, I would experience flashes of PTSD from having a NICU baby years ago who we had to take off life support. Our daughter, Rhea. But honestly, more then PTSD, I felt... wisdom. I knew what I wished I could have done with my baby. And I knew what was to come. I didn't get to hold our baby; until she was off of the vent and dying in my arms. So, I held Rocky. And for much of that time he purred and interacted with me. His newborn blue eyes stared at me and followed my eyes. I was shocked to have a flashback of the one time I saw our baby's eyes before she was sedated. They were much the same. But gradually, he began to drift further into himself. Eventually, there was no more purring. And his mouth was completely unable to respond to anything inside of it. I knew we were getting closer. Finally at about 8:00 I laid him back in the incubator and went and made my kiddos dinner and sat with them to eat. JJ prayed for the kitty and they asked how he was. I told them I had given him one last medication as a last ditch effort. But I told them that it was a miracle that wasn't likely to be this time. And I was right.
When I came back his eyes were fixed. Which pretty much is a sure sign of emenint death. So I held him for a bit longer. When it was time, when he was deeply struggling to breath, I humanely helped him go to sleep with medication.
This was the timeframe though, were wisdom told me PTSD would set in if I watched him take his last breaths even though it was not going to be violent... so for the sake of my children and the days ahead which I need to be peacefully present for, I gently swaddled him up and laid him in the warm incubator as he crossed over the Rainbow Bridge.  I was grateful for my current precious toddler who insisted on snuggling with me as we slept through the night. 😥💔💗
In the end, looking back, I think it is likely that Rocky came to me with simmering Panleuk within him. Just waiting to explode. Panleuk is like canine distemper, for kittens. They can be infected for up to 14 days before they show signs of being sick. So I had no idea.
As I said in the beginning, i took today off. I checked out. I met my kiddos basic needs. And i met mine by refilling my strength. I am sad that we didn't get to "Foster Fail" and keep Rocky, like we had hoped to. But I am So Very grateful for the miracle prompting I had to even reach out and be given him in the first place. And then to have him teach me all that he did. What a gift his short, but mighty, life was!!! We Love you sweet Rocky!! And we will continue to Love many more little creatures in your honor. Until we meet again.😘😘😘😻