AUGUST 27, 2013or14?

I often feel as if I'm moving in slow motion. But there is so much to get done in a full day. For me, one day ends up feeling like three separate days. Gone are the days when I filled my entire day with things "To Do." Moving smoothly from one thing to the next. Now they are filled with alarm clocks that wake me from a sleep, resting, or a distraction. -ring- feed and dress children, take them to school. -ring- take JJ to the bus. -ring- chores. -ring- Meet JJ at the bus. -ring- go pick up boys from school. homework. chores. -ring- go make dinner -ring- evening meds and bedtime routine.-RING :) - Talk to Leif while he drives home from work.

JULY 17, 2013

The lady we sold our nanny agency to over eight years ago contacted me through Facebook yesterday. She asked if we could talk and she gave me her phone number. If you know me very well, you know that I don't love to talk on the phone much these days. Between my three boys gravitating to me any moment I am on the phone and my spontaneous brain fog and twisted tongue episodes I very much prefer communicating through the internet or through text messages. But that isn't really the point I want to discuss when I bring up this subject. My point is actually LIFE and TIME. Everyone has such a different perspective of life and the time that passes within it.

DECEMBER 11, 2013 Life As We Know It...

I've had a few close friends write me lately and ask me how I'm doing. I've been quiet online lately. If you know me well, you know that's a surefire sign of me being down. Either that, or life is just incredibly busy. And right now, both would fit.

There is Much to be grateful for and I am truly not without Gratitude for those blessings. But since I've been asked what is keeping me more quiet lately then I guess I'll try to put some of it into words without trying to sugar coat it.

My struggles are nothing new. My well being can fluctuate from fabulous to bedridden in a matter of one day to the next. The unpredictability and  lack of rhyme or reason is wearisome to say the least. Two nights ago I went to bed feeling as if I was surrounded by a dark cloud. No matter how hard I tried to cheer up I could not find it within my soul. It is a terrible feeling! And then without warning or known reason, when I woke up with one of the kids fussing at 2 AM that morning I realized I felt more light within my soul then I had felt in days. I felt strength and cheer. Vigor and motivation. I spent the next hour trying to wrestle between planning a sledding trip with Leif and the kids and going back to sleep. I spent a wonderful day with my family. It felt as if everything was well in the world. This feeling started to subside toward the evening. But it never completely left me. I have still felt alright for the few days after that one great day. But never like I was feeling. It seems after I have those high moments they gradually (or all at once) will just fade away and I'm back to battling for my sanity. For a clear mind and a strong body.

I've been asked about my MRI results for the Pituitary tumors that were found last year. I just had another MRI done last month. Well, apparently there were no signs of problems that were found on the MRI. Lovely! So the same symptoms are there (and worse) but the "reason" has gone missing again. When we read the results of that MRI, Leif and I had just gone through a stack of unpleasant medical bills. All for appointments that had led us NO WHERE. At that moment we both concluded that we're taking a break from doctors for a while. It's just way too expensive to spend money for no answers!

We're finding some answers for our kids though. Not necessarily pleasant ones...

You know, it's easy to talk about my kids when their triumphs and trials are fairly typical of the everyday ordinary child. But it gets more like walking on egg shells when things get more complicated. Sometimes I wonder and worry about what people will think. But mostly, I just want to respect their privacy. They will grow up and read this someday. And if not them, maybe someone else. But it's impossible for me to find time to write a private blog as well as continue this private blog. And a record needs to be kept. I rely on our blog as a reference and a documentary of our life.  And our life is what it is.  And the diagnoisis' given today will very likely change later on down the journey. So I just have to continue on writing how I have always written. Openly. Unless, I feel prompted otherwise.

Right now, Caleb has required our most urgent attention when it comes to getting medical help. We knew that all of our boys struggle with Sensory Processing Disorder. And for Caleb this has always been a very real struggle. But shortly before we moved to Missouri, if not just after, Caleb started showing signs of more struggles then just the SPD. He became more aggressive and disagreeable. Often times if he didn't get his way and Immediately, then he would go into a rage that if not turned off could become dangerous. Gradually he started becoming alarmingly defiant. I came up with a new "look" that he would give us as he intentionally disobeyed us. Not just little things, but big things. This was surprising to us and alarming. Then he started sneaking around and hiding the fact that he was naughty, and "stealing" became a topic of behavior. All of this is "normal" in childhood. But it all happened quickly and noticeably enough that we became concerned and then his teachers became concerned.

This is a really long story. But for the last handful of months we've been working with teachers, doctors, and specialists to observe and evaluate Caleb for everything from Seizure disorders to Autism Spectrum Disorders.  We finally got the diagnosis from the Pediatric Neuro Psychologist:. The diagnosis' as of today is: Sensory Integration Disorder (that's another name for Sensory Processing Disorder) and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. We agree 100% with the SPD diagnosis and gratefully, if he does in fact have the ODD we caught it early and there is a lot of hope that we will be able to help him (and us) create healthy life skills."

FEBRUARY 18, 2014 Caleb Baron ASD Criteria

Caleb Baron Age 5 Years and 10 Months

SOCIAL: 

A.      Persistent difficulties in the social use of verbal and nonverbal communication as manifested by all of the following:

1. Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity; ranging from abnormal social approach and failure of normal back and forth conversation through reduced sharing of interests, emotions, and affect and response to total lack of initiation of social interaction,

2. Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction; ranging from poorly integrated- verbal and nonverbal communication, through abnormalities in eye contact and body-language, or deficits in understanding and use of nonverbal communication, to total lack of facial expression or gestures.

3. Deficits in developing and maintaining relationships, appropriate to developmental level (beyond those with caregivers); ranging from difficulties adjusting behavior to suit different social contexts through difficulties in sharing imaginative play and in making friends to an apparent absence of interest in people

Socially, Caleb often emanates a light about him. Because of this, sometimes it takes more time and observation of Caleb to see the good, bad, and ugly temperaments that he is filled with. Sometimes the light is replaced with a combination of frustration, fear, anger, anxiety, and moodiness. And the negatives are increasing in frequency. 

With Adults: Because of Caleb's natural sweet nature he is almost always embraced and quickly liked by adults. And most of the time he feels safe with adults. If he is in a "good place" meaning he isn't overly distracted or frustrated by anything, he will verbally communicate with adults through the introduction process. Caleb and his brothers have been taught the steps of polite communication from a very young age. This is most likely why he is able to follow through with the introduction process which for him would most likely be something like "My name is Caleb!" they chuckle at his forward approach. They'll ask his age. He'll tell them "I'm 5!" and this is where he might turn off and not be able to follow the conversation for various reasons. He is usually not able to carry on a detailed conversation about things he is asked to recall, such as "what did you do in school today?"  "What did you eat for breakfast and lunch?"  "What was the letter or word of the day?" If he is able to recall, the answer will most likely be very vague and he might struggle to find the right words for what he is trying to say. So he will get frustrated and change the subject, shy away, or throw a quick fit.  However, there are times when Caleb becomes a chatter box. He can go on and on with stories about his favorite subjects. Mostly what is happening at the moment (ie "we're going to the park!") his computer games, brothers, or imaginary strategy games that he and his brother play. But those times are becoming less frequent.

With Children: Again, if Caleb is in a "good place," he will follow the traditional social steps of the introduction process with other children. But the ability to create a steady friendship has been impossible for Caleb. The struggle comes because he is often overly physical and/or affectionate and can be very overwhelming physically as well as verbally loud and babble like. Physically, he has a lack of boundaries and verbally he talks and acts out things that are usually of no interest to children his age (weapons, military strategy, documentaries, or just babble chaos)  Caleb is often afraid of the "normal" shows and activities the other children play. He was and might still be terrified of Nick Jr's Backyardigans. He is afraid of all of the imaginary fears from Winnie the Pooh. Monster's Inc was pure anxiety to watch for him. Sometimes we can stop the shows at this point in life and walk through them with him and prove the imagination and reality of the fear in them. But most of the time he has to run in and out of the rooms back and forth if the shows are on that cause him fear or anxiety. And 90% of the time these shows are supposed to be directed toward children his age. Show him the History, NOVA, or Discovery Channel, and he'll sit on the couch calmly through the whole show.  So, with this interest division Caleb has little to relate to with the typical child so this compounds his struggle to make friends. Also to compound this problem even more Caleb lacks the ability to empathize with the needs and interests of people around him. He may recognize their lack of interest in his games, their distress, or that they are board, but he is unable to regulate his needs, instincts, and desires to meet the other persons needs. It is a classic egocentricity to the extreme. 

One of the concerns we have with Caleb socially is his lack of acceptance or recognition of "Stranger Danger."  This has been a huge fear of ours as his parents. He has an overabundance of fear in him. But often it is not related toward people. So if he wants to go to a certain place (to the GoCart Arena behind our house for example) no matter how exhaustive we have been in trying to explain the dangers of going by himself, he will sneak out and go. We have had to restrain him at times to ensure that he will not leave our house or location without us.

Caleb struggles with playing with children who won't play exactly how he wants them to play. If they won't play his way he whines, fits, and fusses constantly. 

SPEECH - MOTOR - SENSORY:

1. Stereotyped or repetitive speech, motor movements, or use of objects; (such as simple motor stereotypies, echolalia, repetitive use of objects, or idiosyncratic phrases).

2. Excessive adherence to routines, ritualized patterns of verbal or nonverbal behavior, or excessive resistance to change; (such as motoric rituals, insistence on same route or food, repetitive questioning or extreme distress at small changes).

3. Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus; (such as strong attachment to or preoccupation with unusual objects, excessively circumscribed or perseverative interests).

4. Hyper-or hypo-reactivity to sensory input or unusual interest in sensory aspects of environment; (such as apparent indifference to pain/heat/cold, adverse response to specific sounds or textures, excessive smelling or touching of objects, fascination with lights or spinning objects).

Each of our sons have a family nicname. Jakob is Radar, JJ is Play by Play, and Caleb is Navigator. We named Caleb our Navigator because he pays close attention to the routines and patterns that we follow while traveling but also in every day life. If we drive the same route a couple of times and then switch our path he will let us know and if he is out of sync, it could cause a fit. At the least, he will powder us with questions over and over and over about where we are going, if we are there yet, and what landmarks he can look for to help him gauge the time-frame of our trips ending. In daily life Caleb has an extremely hard time with transitions and change of plans. It is routine to explain the plan ahead at almost every transition (ie "we will gather the eggs, read your book, and then you can play the computer until the timer rings and dinner is ready to eat." And almost without fail, Caleb will still squeal and argue at the time of transition. And if the plan suddenly changes in the middle we can count on a major tantrum that could lead to extreme behaviors like destruction of whatever is around him to the worst being throwing dangerous objects across the room such as canned food and even scissors. These out of control tantrums started around Caleb's 5th birthday. He was prescribed Clonidine to help keep these tantrums from getting so out of control. I would say it has helped enough for us to continue giving the medication but we still question whether it is the right medication or not for him.

Caleb is fixated with the computer and video games. If there is a computer near by or a Kindle, or anything that has games on it,  he will beg to play or sneak away to play even when told clearly not to. This is a source of constant temptation and anxiety for Caleb and for us. I believe it is possible that Caleb is thinking about or processing something from the games almost continually. And the anxiety stems from the restriction that we have to give to help him find a balance. 

Caleb struggled with Speech Delay as a toddler. He was in speech therapy through the years of 2012 through 2013. The Speech Therapy helped him a lot. He is now able to speak and speak clearly. However, he still struggles with certain things. He speaks in a nasal tone. It can become high pitched and even more whiny sounding as he gets tired or stressed. At home we have started something where I help him find a lower tone to speak in and he has to ask his questions and converse in the lower tone that we've found in order for me to respond to his requests. 

It is not uncommon to see Caleb flapping, fidgeting, flopping, one thing or another, hands, arms, body, tongue, fingers, legs, eyes...  etc.

Caleb is "clumsy" and lacks age appropriate motor skills. Falling is just part of walking for him. Throwing himself back, forward, or side to side, without a concept of what he might hit is a normal frustration for us as his parents. Caleb is just now able to try to work with shirt buttons (he is almost 6.) He still struggles to dress himself and won't dress himself alone without Serious Motivation. Backwards, inside out clothing or pants tucked in to socks are not noticed by Caleb unless we point it out to him. 

SENSORY: Caleb's Sensory Processing issues became pronounced by around age 2 or 3 and became a serious issue by 4 years old.  He struggles with all forms of Sensory Processing Disorder with the most common sensory need being Seeking stimulation. His SPD has ebbed and flowed over the years with issues coming and going. One issue that has never changed is his struggle with certain types of clothing. He will only wear certain shirts, socks, and shoes. And nothing will change his mind. He has to have his pants on before his shirt so the shirt doesn't touch his legs as he gets dressed. His shoes have to feel Just Right as do the socks or he won't wear them. There have been times when we have dressed him in clothes that he didn't feel good in and he is completely undressed by the time we arrive to our traveled destination. Coats and jackets are a similar issue. And colors can become an issue as well. Sometimes certain colors will stimulate fear for him (this is very interesting...)  Caleb is very touchy-feely. He seeks grounding by touching his feet to the closest person or thing to him. Tackle hugs are his normal. Caleb chews on everything. He could chew a hole through a shirt if we don't catch it in time. He chews on anything...

Caleb is "clumsy" and lacks age appropriate motor skills. Falling is just part of walking for him. Throwing himself back, forward, or side to side, without a concept of what he might hit is a normal frustration for us as his parents. Caleb is just now able to try to work with shirt buttons (he is almost 6.) He still struggles to dress himself and won't dress himself alone without Serious Motivation. Backwards, inside out clothing or pants tucked in to socks are common and not noticed by Caleb unless we point it out to him.

Caleb is sensitive to sounds and lights. He varies between hyper and hypo sensitive. Sometimes the more the better. Sometimes anything flashy or loud is scary.

Smells can be very upsetting for Caleb and they can also be soothing and comforting. An upsetting smell can cause a melt down and nausea if not eliminated or redirected.

Unbalanced temperatures can cause a total melt down with very little warning. Especially when entering a vehicle or while driving. Cold or hot, it takes breaking down the steps necessary to get settled and calmed while a frantic effort to balance the temps are happening behind the scene. It goes something like this, Caleb: "It's COOOOLLLLD!"(Flapping, wreathing, screaming, while standing in front of his car seat as he is directed to buckle up.) Parent: "Caleb, the first step is to move.... Take off your coat.... You know you need your coat off while you drive or you will get too hot.... Climb in the seat.... Find the straps.... Buckle them.... Your body will warm the seat.... As soon as you're buckled you can wrap your coat back around you.... Buckle up....  We need to go so the heater will warm up...") 

SLEEP: Sleep is a struggle for Caleb. At age 3 we started using Meletonin for Caleb to help him "turn off" enough to fall asleep at night. If Meletonin isn't used to help him sleep Caleb is able and inclined to stay up for hours past his bedtime. When prepping for an EEG he was required to stay up until midnight and then only sleep 4 hours and then to sleep through the procedure. Caleb stayed up until midnight with no problem whatsoever. And was not able to fall asleep during the EEG test. Through a regular night sleep with the Meletonin it is not unusual for Caleb to wake up one or two times in the night coming in to parents' room or from an upsetting dream.

APRIL 2015

Dear Grandma,
Today would be the absolute Perfect day for you to be around! I couldn't shake off sleep this morning. I have been sucked in now until 1:45. I did help Jakob get ready and drove him to school/piano lessons. But I dropped in to bed when I got home.

NOVEMBER 19, 2020

It has been said that our Saviour Knows how to succor His children in their infirmities. That he knows exactly what they need before they even ask.

Tomorrow is the final day to a miracle that our Father performed that I need to take a minute to ponder and share with everyone. 

If I Could Say Goodbye Just One More Time, I Would:

WRITTEN NOVEMBER 6,2014. 8 YEARS TO THE DAY OF RHEA'S PASSING

Leif and I have twins that had serious problems with their placenta during their pregnancy. They are little girls. By week 20 we were living in the hospital on bedrest with countless tests and procedures happening throughout every day.  We knew that the odds of keeping both babies alive wasn't in our favor. But we had hope and we did everything we could possibly do to make it happen. Unfortunately, at week 26  our precious

Jakob ADD and Autism Criteria Written 2-18-2014

WRITTEN 2013/14. IT IS FUN TO READ THIS NOW THAT JAKOB IS ALMOST 20. 

JAKOB
Jakob is a bright and happy nine year old. He always has a story to share and is eager to learn about the things that he finds interesting or that he is good at. These things would be science, World history, US history, history of war, military weapons and aircraft, making experiments, and sports. Each of our sons has a family nickname. Jakob's nickname is "Radar" because he is always on constant alert, always listening and paying attention to every conversation and thing happening around him.... Unless, he has gone into his own world. When that happens, we can consider the Radar out of signal.

SOCIALLY
Socially, Jakob is polite and well mannered. He respects authority but questions his parents, especially his mother. Jakob follows rules to the letter and to an extreme. He becomes very upset when his peers or siblings choose to disobey the rules or skirt them a little. He is always in monitor mode where he feels the duty to make sure everyone is following the plan. This is a big problem socially for Jakob. Jakob is just now starting to realize that his monitoring and admonishing is very unpopular with his peers and causes reprimanding from his teachers. But he finds it almost impossible to drop the behavior if it is triggered. He feels angry that they get/do what he wants to do when they go against the rules but he doesn't when he chooses the right. So he's jealous and irritated. He is also perplexed at how the kids can even think about breaking the rules. It just doesn't really make sense to him as an option.

Jakob is also a constant talker. If he is not watching TV, playing computer, or in a place where it is strictly against the rules to talk, he will be talking! Sometimes we wonder if  Jakob says every thought that flows through his mind. And if he is telling a story, asking a question, or stating a fact, it will be drawn out and very wordy. He lacks the understanding of the social cues that show that a person isn't interested in what he is talking about. And if he recognizes them, he will either completely ignore them and continue talking, or become flustered and upset because he doesn't know how to shorten what he is trying to say.

Jakob has his own sense of humor. He struggles to understand or "get" a joke or a witty comment. But when he finally "gets" it he seems to file it away and then he tries to mimic what he learned later on.

Some how Jakob has been able to make friends here in Missouri. During the previous school years we lived in Arizona. He was home schooled for Kindergarten and then we recognized that he required the socialization and life skills that only public school can teach. During first and second grade Jakob was seriously bullied. Different bullies both years. He was only able to make friends with a few kids and only one close friendship with a girl whom he grew up with as a baby and was a close family friend who had similar strengths and struggles as he does. Jakob has found great peace at his current school. He has made friends and isn't bullied as far as we know. Unfortunately, this year Jakob's struggles in school lean more on attention and academic struggles.

ATTENTION and ACADEMIC
Jakob is below age level on his ability to stay on task and organize himself, his space, and his things. Along with being in a constant disorganized state he is unable to focus on himself and the task at hand. He is a smart child so it is often surprising to learn about the academic struggles he faces. His handwriting can be unreadable. He is behind on memorizing his multiplication facts and yet he is good at the other math assignments. He struggles tremendously with spelling words. Yet he is above average in his reading skills. He can write a very entertaining creative writing story. But it takes him double the time to finish it and he often runs out of time before he can even finish all of the steps in the process before it is due. And then, he will often forget to take the final draft to school. Jakob's teacher will often write to Jakob on his school work. She will often tell him to Slow Down! It seems as if Jakob is either thinking way too hard on figuring out the answer or he is blowing through it because he thinks he already knows the answer. And if that isn't the problem it is that he is so distracted by something else that he can't focus. His teacher has tried multiple things to help him. The most helpful have been headphones to try to block out some sound.

Jakob is unable to pay attention to detail without great effort. Whether it is getting dressed, running an errand, or working on schoolwork, it takes effort to get everything done right and in order. It is very common for Jakob to walk out of the bathroom with a shirt inside out and backwards and possibly even pants on that are two sizes too short or at the least tucked into his socks. And if the shirt is buttoned, guaranteed it will need to be re-buttoned properly. If Jakob is sent to go find something on a shelf, more often then not he will not be able to find it. It's as if everything on the shelf is a blur and he can't find just one thing on the shelf.

ROUTINE
The only thing that has to stay organized in Jakob's life is "the plan." Whatever the plan is for the day, the activity, the chore, it can not change. And if it does, it will be very upsetting for Jakob! Especially if it is changed because of someone else's negative behavior. That could set off a trigger for Jakob that is hard to undo for the day. Jakob doesn't often show his negative side to anyone else except his family. I have yet to find out how he "shows" his feelings when he gets upset at school. But at home, Jakob is able to relax and let everything out. And every week there is always at least one day when everything comes boiling out. Once Jakob hits this point he will start to scream and retreat. He will retreat into a room alone and ball up in the fetal position and cry in a moaning tone. He will also mumble to himself and talk his feelings out. We usually let Jakob simmer down for a while and then whichever parent is the most mentally stable and empathetic at the time will go in and talk things through with Jakob. Jakob's view of reality, and right and wrong is often unreasonable. He sees his point of view and nothing can change it. But so far we have been able to still stay "the boss" as parents in the household. But it is becoming a lot more difficult as Jakob gets older and "smarter."  Jakob has daily tantrums and arguing but we are usually able to avoid meltdowns... until we can't.

SENSORY
For the first 7 years of Jakob's life he struggled with unusual things that for lack of a better word, we called "weirdness'."  When Jakob was a baby he would scream and cry if he heard live orchestra music. He was terrified of people with black skin. He couldn't take a shower or play in the sprinklers outside without screaming. When Jakob was in his first year of school his teacher said that one day Jakob sat in the middle of a group of students with his hands over his ears and just screamed. Whenever Jakob started a new sport or a swimming lesson we had to warn the teachers about Jakob's low pain threshold and explain that fainting was a very real possibility with him.... Falling while walking, extreme fear of heights, heightened sensitivity to sights, sounds, and tastes. It all became a roller coaster of our every day life with Jakob. Then it became the same but a little different with each of Jakob's siblings as they came along. It wasn't until Jakob was 7 years old that we learned about Sensory Processing and the disorders that can happen with the senses in the body. It was validating to finally know that we weren't just making things up but that others were dealing with the same weirdness'.  Today Jakob has learned to cope with many of his sensory struggles. But some still are overwhelming.

Jakob has a couple of MUST HAVE'S in his life. One is a Trampoline and the other is "Special Time." Which is simply quiet time alone where he can play his own games in his head often while jumping on a trampoline making weapon sounds, jabbering to himself, and tossing around a stick - rock - toy jet- whatever might be the thing of the day.
2024: THE REST IS MORE OF THE DIAGNOSTIC CRITERIA FOR ADD AND AUTISM. WITHOUT JAKOB DETAILS 
Inattention
a. Often does not give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other
activities (e.g., overlooks or misses details, work is inaccurate).
b. Often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities (e.g., has difficulty remaining focused
during lectures, conversations, or reading lengthy writings).
c. Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly (e.g., mind seems elsewhere, even in the absence of
any obvious distraction).
d. Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the
workplace (e.g., starts tasks but quickly loses focus and is easily sidetracked; fails to finish schoolwork,
household chores, or tasks in the workplace).
e. Often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities (e.g., difficulty managing sequential tasks; difficulty
keeping materials and belongings in order; messy, disorganized, work; poor time management; tends to fail
to meet deadlines)
f. Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (e.g.,
schoolwork or homework; for older adolescents and adults, preparing reports, completing forms, or
reviewing lengthy papers).
g. Often loses things needed for tasks and activities (e.g., school materials, pencils, books, tools, wallets,
keys, paperwork, eyeglasses, or mobile telephones)
h. Is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli (for older adolescents and adults, may include unrelated
thoughts).
i. Is often forgetful in daily activities (e.g., chores, running errands; for older adolescents and adults, returning
calls, paying bills, keeping appointments)
A2. Hyperactivity and Impulsivity: Six or more of the following symptoms of have been present for at least 6
months to a degree that is inconsistent with developmental level and that impact directly on social and
academic/occupational activities.
Hyperactivity
a. Often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat.
b. Often leaves seat in situations when remaining seated is expected (e.g., leaves his or her place in the
classroom, office or other workplace, or in other situations that require remaining seated)
c. Often runs about or climbs in situations where it is inappropriate. (In adolescents or adults, may be limited
to feeling restless).
d. Often unable to play or engage in leisure activities quietly.
e. Is often "on the go" or often acts as if "driven by a motor" (e.g., is unable or uncomfortable being still for an
extended time, as in restaurants, meetings, etc; may be experienced by others as being restless and
difficult to keep up with).
f. Often talks excessively.
g. Often blurts out answers before questions have been completed (e.g., completes people’s sentences and
“jumps the gun” in conversations, cannot wait for next turn in conversation)
h. Often has trouble waiting his or her turn (e.g., while waiting in line).

Hope On

WRITTEN DECEMBER 24, 2014

Over the last week, the words miracle, hope, faith, and timing, have been swirling around within my soul. One of our dearest little friends is facing a battle with cancer that will require a portion of all of these principles in order to conquer this mountain.

As her family and friend's, we are by her side filled with more hope than we ever thought possible within us. Hope that she will be able to stay with us longer on this earth then the seemingly short eight years we have been given. We pray with faith because faith is the antidote for fear. Faith replaces fear. We act with faith. We pray, we serve on, we search the scriptures, and we believe that His promises are sure, because we remember the examples in our life, and the life of our Savior; when faith has been proved sure, and then we Hope On! Hope is an anchor for our faith.

We are not blind to the reality of our own strength. The limitations that the doctors and medications are facing at this point. They are what they are; of this earth. Nor are we blind to the endless possibilities of Heaven. What we will never clearly know in this life though, it the timing of Heaven. This is where we must lay our confidence and broken heart and contrite spirit; in our Father's all knowing hands.

There are times in our life when we face the refiners fire. The trials that can make us, or break us. May we say, as three magistrates of old who were faced with a very real fiery furnace, "if it be so [if you cast us into the furnace], our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand. But if not... we will not serve thy gods."

Knowing that our faith and confidence are in the hands of our Father in Heaven even though there is a possible "but if not" in this journey. May we be comforted and strengthened along our way as we continue to have Faith in His all knowing plan and Hope for this miracle, is my prayer today. Hope on my dear friends, Hope On!

Final Countdown DAY SIX:Packing the Bathroom and Medicine Cabinet

WRITTEN 2015 WHILE PACKING TO LEAVE HAWAII

DAY SIX:

Today I focused on two things.

• First, I gathered, sorted, and packed all of the Bathroom and Vanity contents. While sorting these items I asked myself which items I hadn't used in the five months I've been here. If they weren't used, they were thrown out or put in the donate pile. Also, I donated any items that I had multiples of such as combs, shampoos, and lotions. 
• Second, I gathered, sorted, and packed the contents of our medications cupboard.  With these items I kept most items but donated any multiples. 

Throughout all of the years of traveling and moving long distances we have two bags that have been very helpful along the way. They are the LLBean Personal Organizer Toiletry Bag, Family Size. I have a Blue one for Toiletries and a Red one for Medications. When flying, I pack the bags separately and then pack them together in a duffel bag to be checked in. This way I don't have to worry as much about all of the flight restrictions for carry on items. 

Must Have Chocolate!

WRITTEN AROUND 2012/13 WHILE PREPPING FOR MOVING TO MISSOURI. )

(Written years ago. Published in 2020) 

It's sad that the busiest, most important week of the month has to fall right during this time frame of "my month"  Marge came with a vengeance last night precisely at 5PM. Marge is my evil twin. She battles anxiety, irritability, fatigue, and brain fog. All to a maximum!  The switch is always noticeable and still after all of this time, Shocking!

The fact that I'm on my own, packing up the troops, and Caleb is practically unmedicated make it all almost too much. But the blessing that gets me through is that I know that it will pass and the next phase, though filled with migraines and Iron supplements, is better than "Marge." It all passes. It all changes. And just knowing that it's not going to be permanent makes it bearable.

I picked up the kids from school today and we went to the grocery store. We were all really hungry. We walked out (almost forgetting the milk) with bags filled with frozen pizzas, mint chocolate chip ice cream, frozen burritos, a symphony candy bar and a Reese's Peanut butter Cup to top it all off.  Yes, like I said, Marge was in charge. :)

Well, the troops are asleep now. So I'm going to call it a night. Thank you Xanex and chocolate for saving all of us tonight!

Family Update: Air Force - Homestead - and the Priesthood

WRITTEN 2015/16

(During the wonderful healthy time which led to getting pregnant with the child I knew was still supposed to come. That pregnancy kicked my butt. As they all did.)

We have created our new "Normal" here in Alton, Utah.  We've all finally acclimated to the higher elevation and can breath much better. Our skin and noses are still very much missing the humidity. But that will come in time as well and we will move on to acclimating to the Cold temperatures that are quickly approaching. Life is good here.

Months ago Leif went through the process of applying to become a Medical Officer in the USAF. Everything was complete except the interview with the Chief Nurse. Hawaii was going through a change in command and he wasn't able to meet with someone before he had to leave the island for his new work contract in California. He had warned his recruiter in advance that he would be probably be relocating to CA and was assured that there wouldn't be a shake up in his application process. Well, that wasn't true. When he arrived in California his Hawaii recruiter passed him a name and phone number and dropped him like a rock. That person was on Leave and the time came and went for the process to be completed with no further communication or answers to Leif's calls. Therefore, the journey of the Air Force life will not be in our future within this year. And most likely, not ever. 

It has been years since I have felt the drive and peace about settling down and establishing some roots. We feel that now. I don't know what the future holds. But at least I know that I won't have to pack us all up within the year and move again.  The kids are thriving in their new school. And I Love working with our animals and land on our little family homestead.

Leif is working hard in California and has extended his contract through February.  From there, I'm not sure what his career path will be. We miss him often. But are settled in here and find a lot of joy with Erik and Stacey and their daughter Victoria. I'm able to handle the every day challenges three weeks out of my cycle and one week is a nightmare filled with a lot of loneliness and anxiety.  But we know the pattern and are able to work through it with the love and support of Heaven and family around us. 

I still revel in the miracle of renewed health and strength. This weekend I was able to toss logs for splitting for a couple of hours as well as bales of hay to feed the animals. Along with mothering duties and caring for the animals. Strength like that still humbles me and fills me with gratitude and amazement. 

Jakob turned 12 years old in August and Leif was able to come home and ordain him to the Aaronic Priesthood. This was a very special event in Jakob's life and he takes it very seriously. He is a precious son of God with a tender heart, willing to do what is right. I feel blessed to be his mother. 

Within this month I was able to find the Miniature Shetland Pony of my dreams. He has been a great soothing distraction for me. As well as a blessing for JJ, who loves to ride and care for him. 

We are very blessed and I feel our Father in Heaven's hand in my life daily. Without Him, I would be lost and wandering in a hard, hard, journey. Praise Be, to Him!!

Questions From Karin

JULY 2017

My dear friend Karin sent me a great list of questions to help me sift through my thoughts and decisions and ultimately, my attitude:

What is it about your situation that is so intolerable?  
I think at this point the main struggles are the lack of windows and circulation in the basement. Which leads to stagnant smells and must. And upstairs is filled with animal; no matter how hard it is tried to be kept up. Also the bathroom downstairs is feeling very small and bug infested. Also a bitter/sweet thing is that the kitchen is upstairs. So every time food is needed or wanted I have to walk up and down stairs. It has probably helped me not gain weight. Because I don't always want to go up; socially and/or physically. There's also guilt that I can't help keep up the kitchen. I do what I can. There haven't been too much complaining. But the guilt is there. Also I hate that we can't always give them money for rent and living expenses. Again, no complaining from them. But they deserve and need money. It's also getting hard to share food. Our family requires a totally different supply of food then they need.

Is it the remoteness of Alton?
I didn't even get into that in the above question. YES! This is HUGE! Having to make a shopping trip a planned grand event is so hard. The planning and remembering everything is hard too. Also, little things like running to pick things up. Even to the gas station or dollar store it takes over an hour round trip and shopping.  But the beauty of the scenery is Outstanding! So I have guilt about this issue too.

Or the closeness of the people you are with?
Luckily, this isn't as huge as it could be. Everyone is just laid back enough that there isn't as much anxiety as there could be. But it is an issue if I get in a funk and I don't want anyone to witness my worst. It's also hard to be involved right in their struggles too at times.

Is home school really an option for you on your own, or just with (my/Karin's) help? 
This is a very good question. We are considering traveling with the kids for one more school year before Leif's Nurse Practitioner Residency. I/we all know that I CAN'T pull it off alone. But I'm wondering if we could if the kids had teachers they remotely had to report to and follow? I honestly don't know without trying. But no doubt it's not the easy answer!

How would the commute to Orderville to both drop off and pick up affect your family?  
You're right, it's crazy talk! Leif is OK with commuting to work. But commuting the kids to school from Kanab or Fredonia is insanity!

What about the barn in Fredonia?
It's no longer an option until Leif's brother moves out.  And we have No Idea when that might happen.  And YES, An RV is FAR From realistic at this point. Especially the laundry and food storage.

What about being alone, just living with your family without other adults scares you? 
Well, when I was early pregnant, I was scared to be alone because I needed help with the kids. But honestly, at this point, the thought doesn't scare me at all. In fact, sometimes I just long for the bubble or just us. But in reality, I do much better mentally when I have friends and family close by to connect with. But it's not a must.

What is the biggest difference living with another family makes?
The HELP! Food prep, laundry, dishes, tag teaming, babysitting. But it has to be JUST the right dynamic duo.  Or it becomes a nightmare.

How does it hurt your family?
I think the fact that the kids and us have to work with a co-parenting situation. Luckily, it's not bad within this current setting. But it's not perfect either.

How does it help or hurt my relationship with Leif?
I think it takes a burden off of Leif's shoulders to know I have help and company all the time. But luckily, he doesn't rely on that fact to take away his responsibilities and role in our relationship!!

FEAR
Am I afraid of being alone with my kids?
I don't really fear being alone with them. I just get feeling guilty because I am boring and lazy.

Afraid of having to do all the meals, laundry, entertaining by myself?
Again, not really a fear as much as a huge overwhelming pressure.

keeping the kids entertained?
HUGE! This is a Huge frustration for me. It makes me tired and sad just thinking about it. Because they are now old enough that they don't expect me to entertain them. So trying to is actually harder then just letting them do their own thing; that isn't always the best use of time.
===
How long do I see our next step being?
First, we have the step of waiting for the baby, which is another 2+ months.
Second, we have a school year until Leif starts his Residency.
Third, we have Leif's residency which is three years in the same place.

Is Alton out of the question forever?
I think Alton will now always be on the table as a place to live. Especially, when we can afford our own place. But the more Leif and I talk and he allows himself to accept my shortcomings (depression and melancholia) It looks more and more like we will be moving from Alton in January.  But to where and what, is still undecided. the current two choices being mulled around are:
1. Travel Nurse as a family for a school year and try to grow our money reserves.
2. Choose where to settle down for the residency and go there and settle down.
I think I've helped Leif clearly understand that I am TERRIFIED to stay in the basement throughout the entire school year (so the kids get another good year of school) because I fear I will fall into a deep depression and miss out on everything and the joy of the baby. The "healthiest" place for me to live is California or Hawaii. Or probably the gulf coast. Sunshine and Ocean. But we also might go toward family in Missouri.

Do I do OK when living with our little family alone by Leif's job? 
My moods still fluctuate, for sure! But if the climate and people are good around us. Then I'm able to work things out. Being in the middle of nowhere in a place like MO. is not a good place for me. I need action and activity to Force me to get up and out of the house.

Do I do better emotionally with the support of another female in the home to share responsibilities? 
Yes, for a while. We're going on a year now here. I am now feeling the desire to just go it on my own. But give it a little while and I'll remember the beauty of sharing the load. But not to the point of falling apart usually. Unless I get really sick. But the future health journey is really an unknown right now.

Have you lived so much without Leif that it's easier to have him gone than at home? 
With this contract, and being pregnant and "sick" I ABSOLUTELY MISS HIM! But before the pregnancy it was getting easier to have him gone. Especially if he was coming and going in short but long enough intervals to throw off the routine.

Am I replacing my relationship with Leif with those of the other adults in the home?
Luckily, no. He is still the most important and my confidant. However, carrying the load of everyday responsibilities may be a little heavier for my SIL. Although, she does a good job of not taking on more then she can handle. Sometimes I long for more help to keep our space clean.

I need to think more on these questions:

What are my goals for my family?
Where do I hope to be in five years? Ten years? 
What do we need to do now to make this a reality?

Dear Grandma

WRITTEN  JUNE 29, 2019

Dear Grandma,
Today would be the absolute Perfect day for you to be around! I couldn't shake off sleep this morning. I have been sucked in now until 1:45. I did help Jakob get ready and drove him to school/piano lessons. But I dropped in to bed when I got home.

I'm finally out of bed and we're ready to "start" our day. Company would be nice.

A Lesson on Motherhood

WRITTEN JULY 29, 2022 (SAVED AS A DRAFT) PUBLISHED AUGUST 18, 2024.

I'm happy to share my testimony in Sacrament today. However, speaking on Mother's Day is a tough one for me.  Mother's Day is a Very special holiday. Because Motherhood is a Holy calling and deserves celebration. 

But for most of us as women and mother's Mother's Day ends up being filled with an ocean of mixed emotions. At least that's how it is for me. When it comes to my relationship with my own Mother, we are friends and I Love her. But we are not best friends. And our relationship is actually a trial in my life. 

I used to dream of the day that I could celebrate Mother's Day as a mother. Now it's here and it's not all it's cracked up to be. For me, a large part of my Mother Heart is missing from this earth. And Mother's Day tends to be a good reminder of that fact. Along with our precious boys, we have twin daughters who passed away due to complications during pregnancy. They would be nine years old. I know I am not alone in this pain on Mother's Day.

With that said, I will share one of the greatest truths a mother can learn. And something that has blessed my life profoundly. I believe that if we can embrace what I am about to share with you today as a mother, then we will truly be able to feel the Joy of Motherhood that we are intended to feel along the journey.

I did not write this beautiful lesson. But I have managed to apply it during some very difficult years and I know that it is an inspired piece of writing meant for all of us to hear as women and mothers. 

(I must have gotten interrupted. Sorry, I don't remember the "beautiful lesson. "😆)