APRIL 2015

Dear Grandma,
Today would be the absolute Perfect day for you to be around! I couldn't shake off sleep this morning. I have been sucked in now until 1:45. I did help Jakob get ready and drove him to school/piano lessons. But I dropped in to bed when I got home.

NOVEMBER 19, 2020

It has been said that our Saviour Knows how to succor His children in their infirmities. That he knows exactly what they need before they even ask.

Tomorrow is the final day to a miracle that our Father performed that I need to take a minute to ponder and share with everyone. 

If I Could Say Goodbye Just One More Time, I Would:

WRITTEN NOVEMBER 6,2014. 8 YEARS TO THE DAY OF RHEA'S PASSING

Leif and I have twins that had serious problems with their placenta during their pregnancy. They are little girls. By week 20 we were living in the hospital on bedrest with countless tests and procedures happening throughout every day.  We knew that the odds of keeping both babies alive wasn't in our favor. But we had hope and we did everything we could possibly do to make it happen. Unfortunately, at week 26  our precious

Jakob ADD and Autism Criteria Written 2-18-2014

WRITTEN 2013/14. IT IS FUN TO READ THIS NOW THAT JAKOB IS ALMOST 20. 

JAKOB
Jakob is a bright and happy nine year old. He always has a story to share and is eager to learn about the things that he finds interesting or that he is good at. These things would be science, World history, US history, history of war, military weapons and aircraft, making experiments, and sports. Each of our sons has a family nickname. Jakob's nickname is "Radar" because he is always on constant alert, always listening and paying attention to every conversation and thing happening around him.... Unless, he has gone into his own world. When that happens, we can consider the Radar out of signal.

SOCIALLY
Socially, Jakob is polite and well mannered. He respects authority but questions his parents, especially his mother. Jakob follows rules to the letter and to an extreme. He becomes very upset when his peers or siblings choose to disobey the rules or skirt them a little. He is always in monitor mode where he feels the duty to make sure everyone is following the plan. This is a big problem socially for Jakob. Jakob is just now starting to realize that his monitoring and admonishing is very unpopular with his peers and causes reprimanding from his teachers. But he finds it almost impossible to drop the behavior if it is triggered. He feels angry that they get/do what he wants to do when they go against the rules but he doesn't when he chooses the right. So he's jealous and irritated. He is also perplexed at how the kids can even think about breaking the rules. It just doesn't really make sense to him as an option.

Jakob is also a constant talker. If he is not watching TV, playing computer, or in a place where it is strictly against the rules to talk, he will be talking! Sometimes we wonder if  Jakob says every thought that flows through his mind. And if he is telling a story, asking a question, or stating a fact, it will be drawn out and very wordy. He lacks the understanding of the social cues that show that a person isn't interested in what he is talking about. And if he recognizes them, he will either completely ignore them and continue talking, or become flustered and upset because he doesn't know how to shorten what he is trying to say.

Jakob has his own sense of humor. He struggles to understand or "get" a joke or a witty comment. But when he finally "gets" it he seems to file it away and then he tries to mimic what he learned later on.

Some how Jakob has been able to make friends here in Missouri. During the previous school years we lived in Arizona. He was home schooled for Kindergarten and then we recognized that he required the socialization and life skills that only public school can teach. During first and second grade Jakob was seriously bullied. Different bullies both years. He was only able to make friends with a few kids and only one close friendship with a girl whom he grew up with as a baby and was a close family friend who had similar strengths and struggles as he does. Jakob has found great peace at his current school. He has made friends and isn't bullied as far as we know. Unfortunately, this year Jakob's struggles in school lean more on attention and academic struggles.

ATTENTION and ACADEMIC
Jakob is below age level on his ability to stay on task and organize himself, his space, and his things. Along with being in a constant disorganized state he is unable to focus on himself and the task at hand. He is a smart child so it is often surprising to learn about the academic struggles he faces. His handwriting can be unreadable. He is behind on memorizing his multiplication facts and yet he is good at the other math assignments. He struggles tremendously with spelling words. Yet he is above average in his reading skills. He can write a very entertaining creative writing story. But it takes him double the time to finish it and he often runs out of time before he can even finish all of the steps in the process before it is due. And then, he will often forget to take the final draft to school. Jakob's teacher will often write to Jakob on his school work. She will often tell him to Slow Down! It seems as if Jakob is either thinking way too hard on figuring out the answer or he is blowing through it because he thinks he already knows the answer. And if that isn't the problem it is that he is so distracted by something else that he can't focus. His teacher has tried multiple things to help him. The most helpful have been headphones to try to block out some sound.

Jakob is unable to pay attention to detail without great effort. Whether it is getting dressed, running an errand, or working on schoolwork, it takes effort to get everything done right and in order. It is very common for Jakob to walk out of the bathroom with a shirt inside out and backwards and possibly even pants on that are two sizes too short or at the least tucked into his socks. And if the shirt is buttoned, guaranteed it will need to be re-buttoned properly. If Jakob is sent to go find something on a shelf, more often then not he will not be able to find it. It's as if everything on the shelf is a blur and he can't find just one thing on the shelf.

ROUTINE
The only thing that has to stay organized in Jakob's life is "the plan." Whatever the plan is for the day, the activity, the chore, it can not change. And if it does, it will be very upsetting for Jakob! Especially if it is changed because of someone else's negative behavior. That could set off a trigger for Jakob that is hard to undo for the day. Jakob doesn't often show his negative side to anyone else except his family. I have yet to find out how he "shows" his feelings when he gets upset at school. But at home, Jakob is able to relax and let everything out. And every week there is always at least one day when everything comes boiling out. Once Jakob hits this point he will start to scream and retreat. He will retreat into a room alone and ball up in the fetal position and cry in a moaning tone. He will also mumble to himself and talk his feelings out. We usually let Jakob simmer down for a while and then whichever parent is the most mentally stable and empathetic at the time will go in and talk things through with Jakob. Jakob's view of reality, and right and wrong is often unreasonable. He sees his point of view and nothing can change it. But so far we have been able to still stay "the boss" as parents in the household. But it is becoming a lot more difficult as Jakob gets older and "smarter."  Jakob has daily tantrums and arguing but we are usually able to avoid meltdowns... until we can't.

SENSORY
For the first 7 years of Jakob's life he struggled with unusual things that for lack of a better word, we called "weirdness'."  When Jakob was a baby he would scream and cry if he heard live orchestra music. He was terrified of people with black skin. He couldn't take a shower or play in the sprinklers outside without screaming. When Jakob was in his first year of school his teacher said that one day Jakob sat in the middle of a group of students with his hands over his ears and just screamed. Whenever Jakob started a new sport or a swimming lesson we had to warn the teachers about Jakob's low pain threshold and explain that fainting was a very real possibility with him.... Falling while walking, extreme fear of heights, heightened sensitivity to sights, sounds, and tastes. It all became a roller coaster of our every day life with Jakob. Then it became the same but a little different with each of Jakob's siblings as they came along. It wasn't until Jakob was 7 years old that we learned about Sensory Processing and the disorders that can happen with the senses in the body. It was validating to finally know that we weren't just making things up but that others were dealing with the same weirdness'.  Today Jakob has learned to cope with many of his sensory struggles. But some still are overwhelming.

Jakob has a couple of MUST HAVE'S in his life. One is a Trampoline and the other is "Special Time." Which is simply quiet time alone where he can play his own games in his head often while jumping on a trampoline making weapon sounds, jabbering to himself, and tossing around a stick - rock - toy jet- whatever might be the thing of the day.
2024: THE REST IS MORE OF THE DIAGNOSTIC CRITERIA FOR ADD AND AUTISM. WITHOUT JAKOB DETAILS 
Inattention
a. Often does not give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other
activities (e.g., overlooks or misses details, work is inaccurate).
b. Often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities (e.g., has difficulty remaining focused
during lectures, conversations, or reading lengthy writings).
c. Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly (e.g., mind seems elsewhere, even in the absence of
any obvious distraction).
d. Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the
workplace (e.g., starts tasks but quickly loses focus and is easily sidetracked; fails to finish schoolwork,
household chores, or tasks in the workplace).
e. Often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities (e.g., difficulty managing sequential tasks; difficulty
keeping materials and belongings in order; messy, disorganized, work; poor time management; tends to fail
to meet deadlines)
f. Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (e.g.,
schoolwork or homework; for older adolescents and adults, preparing reports, completing forms, or
reviewing lengthy papers).
g. Often loses things needed for tasks and activities (e.g., school materials, pencils, books, tools, wallets,
keys, paperwork, eyeglasses, or mobile telephones)
h. Is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli (for older adolescents and adults, may include unrelated
thoughts).
i. Is often forgetful in daily activities (e.g., chores, running errands; for older adolescents and adults, returning
calls, paying bills, keeping appointments)
A2. Hyperactivity and Impulsivity: Six or more of the following symptoms of have been present for at least 6
months to a degree that is inconsistent with developmental level and that impact directly on social and
academic/occupational activities.
Hyperactivity
a. Often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat.
b. Often leaves seat in situations when remaining seated is expected (e.g., leaves his or her place in the
classroom, office or other workplace, or in other situations that require remaining seated)
c. Often runs about or climbs in situations where it is inappropriate. (In adolescents or adults, may be limited
to feeling restless).
d. Often unable to play or engage in leisure activities quietly.
e. Is often "on the go" or often acts as if "driven by a motor" (e.g., is unable or uncomfortable being still for an
extended time, as in restaurants, meetings, etc; may be experienced by others as being restless and
difficult to keep up with).
f. Often talks excessively.
g. Often blurts out answers before questions have been completed (e.g., completes people’s sentences and
“jumps the gun” in conversations, cannot wait for next turn in conversation)
h. Often has trouble waiting his or her turn (e.g., while waiting in line).

Hope On

WRITTEN DECEMBER 24, 2014

Over the last week, the words miracle, hope, faith, and timing, have been swirling around within my soul. One of our dearest little friends is facing a battle with cancer that will require a portion of all of these principles in order to conquer this mountain.

As her family and friend's, we are by her side filled with more hope than we ever thought possible within us. Hope that she will be able to stay with us longer on this earth then the seemingly short eight years we have been given. We pray with faith because faith is the antidote for fear. Faith replaces fear. We act with faith. We pray, we serve on, we search the scriptures, and we believe that His promises are sure, because we remember the examples in our life, and the life of our Savior; when faith has been proved sure, and then we Hope On! Hope is an anchor for our faith.

We are not blind to the reality of our own strength. The limitations that the doctors and medications are facing at this point. They are what they are; of this earth. Nor are we blind to the endless possibilities of Heaven. What we will never clearly know in this life though, it the timing of Heaven. This is where we must lay our confidence and broken heart and contrite spirit; in our Father's all knowing hands.

There are times in our life when we face the refiners fire. The trials that can make us, or break us. May we say, as three magistrates of old who were faced with a very real fiery furnace, "if it be so [if you cast us into the furnace], our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand. But if not... we will not serve thy gods."

Knowing that our faith and confidence are in the hands of our Father in Heaven even though there is a possible "but if not" in this journey. May we be comforted and strengthened along our way as we continue to have Faith in His all knowing plan and Hope for this miracle, is my prayer today. Hope on my dear friends, Hope On!

Final Countdown DAY SIX:Packing the Bathroom and Medicine Cabinet

WRITTEN 2015 WHILE PACKING TO LEAVE HAWAII

DAY SIX:

Today I focused on two things.

• First, I gathered, sorted, and packed all of the Bathroom and Vanity contents. While sorting these items I asked myself which items I hadn't used in the five months I've been here. If they weren't used, they were thrown out or put in the donate pile. Also, I donated any items that I had multiples of such as combs, shampoos, and lotions. 
• Second, I gathered, sorted, and packed the contents of our medications cupboard.  With these items I kept most items but donated any multiples. 

Throughout all of the years of traveling and moving long distances we have two bags that have been very helpful along the way. They are the LLBean Personal Organizer Toiletry Bag, Family Size. I have a Blue one for Toiletries and a Red one for Medications. When flying, I pack the bags separately and then pack them together in a duffel bag to be checked in. This way I don't have to worry as much about all of the flight restrictions for carry on items. 

Must Have Chocolate!

WRITTEN AROUND 2012/13 WHILE PREPPING FOR MOVING TO MISSOURI. )

(Written years ago. Published in 2020) 

It's sad that the busiest, most important week of the month has to fall right during this time frame of "my month"  Marge came with a vengeance last night precisely at 5PM. Marge is my evil twin. She battles anxiety, irritability, fatigue, and brain fog. All to a maximum!  The switch is always noticeable and still after all of this time, Shocking!

The fact that I'm on my own, packing up the troops, and Caleb is practically unmedicated make it all almost too much. But the blessing that gets me through is that I know that it will pass and the next phase, though filled with migraines and Iron supplements, is better than "Marge." It all passes. It all changes. And just knowing that it's not going to be permanent makes it bearable.

I picked up the kids from school today and we went to the grocery store. We were all really hungry. We walked out (almost forgetting the milk) with bags filled with frozen pizzas, mint chocolate chip ice cream, frozen burritos, a symphony candy bar and a Reese's Peanut butter Cup to top it all off.  Yes, like I said, Marge was in charge. :)

Well, the troops are asleep now. So I'm going to call it a night. Thank you Xanex and chocolate for saving all of us tonight!

Family Update: Air Force - Homestead - and the Priesthood

WRITTEN 2015/16

(During the wonderful healthy time which led to getting pregnant with the child I knew was still supposed to come. That pregnancy kicked my butt. As they all did.)

We have created our new "Normal" here in Alton, Utah.  We've all finally acclimated to the higher elevation and can breath much better. Our skin and noses are still very much missing the humidity. But that will come in time as well and we will move on to acclimating to the Cold temperatures that are quickly approaching. Life is good here.

Months ago Leif went through the process of applying to become a Medical Officer in the USAF. Everything was complete except the interview with the Chief Nurse. Hawaii was going through a change in command and he wasn't able to meet with someone before he had to leave the island for his new work contract in California. He had warned his recruiter in advance that he would be probably be relocating to CA and was assured that there wouldn't be a shake up in his application process. Well, that wasn't true. When he arrived in California his Hawaii recruiter passed him a name and phone number and dropped him like a rock. That person was on Leave and the time came and went for the process to be completed with no further communication or answers to Leif's calls. Therefore, the journey of the Air Force life will not be in our future within this year. And most likely, not ever. 

It has been years since I have felt the drive and peace about settling down and establishing some roots. We feel that now. I don't know what the future holds. But at least I know that I won't have to pack us all up within the year and move again.  The kids are thriving in their new school. And I Love working with our animals and land on our little family homestead.

Leif is working hard in California and has extended his contract through February.  From there, I'm not sure what his career path will be. We miss him often. But are settled in here and find a lot of joy with Erik and Stacey and their daughter Victoria. I'm able to handle the every day challenges three weeks out of my cycle and one week is a nightmare filled with a lot of loneliness and anxiety.  But we know the pattern and are able to work through it with the love and support of Heaven and family around us. 

I still revel in the miracle of renewed health and strength. This weekend I was able to toss logs for splitting for a couple of hours as well as bales of hay to feed the animals. Along with mothering duties and caring for the animals. Strength like that still humbles me and fills me with gratitude and amazement. 

Jakob turned 12 years old in August and Leif was able to come home and ordain him to the Aaronic Priesthood. This was a very special event in Jakob's life and he takes it very seriously. He is a precious son of God with a tender heart, willing to do what is right. I feel blessed to be his mother. 

Within this month I was able to find the Miniature Shetland Pony of my dreams. He has been a great soothing distraction for me. As well as a blessing for JJ, who loves to ride and care for him. 

We are very blessed and I feel our Father in Heaven's hand in my life daily. Without Him, I would be lost and wandering in a hard, hard, journey. Praise Be, to Him!!

Questions From Karin

JULY 2017

My dear friend Karin sent me a great list of questions to help me sift through my thoughts and decisions and ultimately, my attitude:

What is it about your situation that is so intolerable?  
I think at this point the main struggles are the lack of windows and circulation in the basement. Which leads to stagnant smells and must. And upstairs is filled with animal; no matter how hard it is tried to be kept up. Also the bathroom downstairs is feeling very small and bug infested. Also a bitter/sweet thing is that the kitchen is upstairs. So every time food is needed or wanted I have to walk up and down stairs. It has probably helped me not gain weight. Because I don't always want to go up; socially and/or physically. There's also guilt that I can't help keep up the kitchen. I do what I can. There haven't been too much complaining. But the guilt is there. Also I hate that we can't always give them money for rent and living expenses. Again, no complaining from them. But they deserve and need money. It's also getting hard to share food. Our family requires a totally different supply of food then they need.

Is it the remoteness of Alton?
I didn't even get into that in the above question. YES! This is HUGE! Having to make a shopping trip a planned grand event is so hard. The planning and remembering everything is hard too. Also, little things like running to pick things up. Even to the gas station or dollar store it takes over an hour round trip and shopping.  But the beauty of the scenery is Outstanding! So I have guilt about this issue too.

Or the closeness of the people you are with?
Luckily, this isn't as huge as it could be. Everyone is just laid back enough that there isn't as much anxiety as there could be. But it is an issue if I get in a funk and I don't want anyone to witness my worst. It's also hard to be involved right in their struggles too at times.

Is home school really an option for you on your own, or just with (my/Karin's) help? 
This is a very good question. We are considering traveling with the kids for one more school year before Leif's Nurse Practitioner Residency. I/we all know that I CAN'T pull it off alone. But I'm wondering if we could if the kids had teachers they remotely had to report to and follow? I honestly don't know without trying. But no doubt it's not the easy answer!

How would the commute to Orderville to both drop off and pick up affect your family?  
You're right, it's crazy talk! Leif is OK with commuting to work. But commuting the kids to school from Kanab or Fredonia is insanity!

What about the barn in Fredonia?
It's no longer an option until Leif's brother moves out.  And we have No Idea when that might happen.  And YES, An RV is FAR From realistic at this point. Especially the laundry and food storage.

What about being alone, just living with your family without other adults scares you? 
Well, when I was early pregnant, I was scared to be alone because I needed help with the kids. But honestly, at this point, the thought doesn't scare me at all. In fact, sometimes I just long for the bubble or just us. But in reality, I do much better mentally when I have friends and family close by to connect with. But it's not a must.

What is the biggest difference living with another family makes?
The HELP! Food prep, laundry, dishes, tag teaming, babysitting. But it has to be JUST the right dynamic duo.  Or it becomes a nightmare.

How does it hurt your family?
I think the fact that the kids and us have to work with a co-parenting situation. Luckily, it's not bad within this current setting. But it's not perfect either.

How does it help or hurt my relationship with Leif?
I think it takes a burden off of Leif's shoulders to know I have help and company all the time. But luckily, he doesn't rely on that fact to take away his responsibilities and role in our relationship!!

FEAR
Am I afraid of being alone with my kids?
I don't really fear being alone with them. I just get feeling guilty because I am boring and lazy.

Afraid of having to do all the meals, laundry, entertaining by myself?
Again, not really a fear as much as a huge overwhelming pressure.

keeping the kids entertained?
HUGE! This is a Huge frustration for me. It makes me tired and sad just thinking about it. Because they are now old enough that they don't expect me to entertain them. So trying to is actually harder then just letting them do their own thing; that isn't always the best use of time.
===
How long do I see our next step being?
First, we have the step of waiting for the baby, which is another 2+ months.
Second, we have a school year until Leif starts his Residency.
Third, we have Leif's residency which is three years in the same place.

Is Alton out of the question forever?
I think Alton will now always be on the table as a place to live. Especially, when we can afford our own place. But the more Leif and I talk and he allows himself to accept my shortcomings (depression and melancholia) It looks more and more like we will be moving from Alton in January.  But to where and what, is still undecided. the current two choices being mulled around are:
1. Travel Nurse as a family for a school year and try to grow our money reserves.
2. Choose where to settle down for the residency and go there and settle down.
I think I've helped Leif clearly understand that I am TERRIFIED to stay in the basement throughout the entire school year (so the kids get another good year of school) because I fear I will fall into a deep depression and miss out on everything and the joy of the baby. The "healthiest" place for me to live is California or Hawaii. Or probably the gulf coast. Sunshine and Ocean. But we also might go toward family in Missouri.

Do I do OK when living with our little family alone by Leif's job? 
My moods still fluctuate, for sure! But if the climate and people are good around us. Then I'm able to work things out. Being in the middle of nowhere in a place like MO. is not a good place for me. I need action and activity to Force me to get up and out of the house.

Do I do better emotionally with the support of another female in the home to share responsibilities? 
Yes, for a while. We're going on a year now here. I am now feeling the desire to just go it on my own. But give it a little while and I'll remember the beauty of sharing the load. But not to the point of falling apart usually. Unless I get really sick. But the future health journey is really an unknown right now.

Have you lived so much without Leif that it's easier to have him gone than at home? 
With this contract, and being pregnant and "sick" I ABSOLUTELY MISS HIM! But before the pregnancy it was getting easier to have him gone. Especially if he was coming and going in short but long enough intervals to throw off the routine.

Am I replacing my relationship with Leif with those of the other adults in the home?
Luckily, no. He is still the most important and my confidant. However, carrying the load of everyday responsibilities may be a little heavier for my SIL. Although, she does a good job of not taking on more then she can handle. Sometimes I long for more help to keep our space clean.

I need to think more on these questions:

What are my goals for my family?
Where do I hope to be in five years? Ten years? 
What do we need to do now to make this a reality?

Dear Grandma

WRITTEN  JUNE 29, 2019

Dear Grandma,
Today would be the absolute Perfect day for you to be around! I couldn't shake off sleep this morning. I have been sucked in now until 1:45. I did help Jakob get ready and drove him to school/piano lessons. But I dropped in to bed when I got home.

I'm finally out of bed and we're ready to "start" our day. Company would be nice.

A Lesson on Motherhood

WRITTEN JULY 29, 2022 (SAVED AS A DRAFT) PUBLISHED AUGUST 18, 2024.

I'm happy to share my testimony in Sacrament today. However, speaking on Mother's Day is a tough one for me.  Mother's Day is a Very special holiday. Because Motherhood is a Holy calling and deserves celebration. 

But for most of us as women and mother's Mother's Day ends up being filled with an ocean of mixed emotions. At least that's how it is for me. When it comes to my relationship with my own Mother, we are friends and I Love her. But we are not best friends. And our relationship is actually a trial in my life. 

I used to dream of the day that I could celebrate Mother's Day as a mother. Now it's here and it's not all it's cracked up to be. For me, a large part of my Mother Heart is missing from this earth. And Mother's Day tends to be a good reminder of that fact. Along with our precious boys, we have twin daughters who passed away due to complications during pregnancy. They would be nine years old. I know I am not alone in this pain on Mother's Day.

With that said, I will share one of the greatest truths a mother can learn. And something that has blessed my life profoundly. I believe that if we can embrace what I am about to share with you today as a mother, then we will truly be able to feel the Joy of Motherhood that we are intended to feel along the journey.

I did not write this beautiful lesson. But I have managed to apply it during some very difficult years and I know that it is an inspired piece of writing meant for all of us to hear as women and mothers. 

(I must have gotten interrupted. Sorry, I don't remember the "beautiful lesson. "😆)